vol 305. Prison to Peace with Amber H.

SPEAKER_01 0:01 We believe that alcoholism is a disease, and that Alcoholics Anonymous is one solution to that disease. I'm here to bring you the voices of its members. Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA. As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest.

SPEAKER_00 0:27 My sobriety date is April 15th, 2014. I grew up in Huntington Beach, California. But later on, like when I used to start to do the work on myself, I discovered I grew up nothing in a normal household. I grew up with a mom that was an alcoholic.

My dad, I think I saw maybe drink a total of four times throughout my whole entire childhood and into high school and college. So I remember thinking, growing up, you know, I don't want to be like my mom. And I remember I used to make excuses for my mom's behaviors when my mom did uh decide that she was gonna lash out or do something. But then I do remember growing up and my mom also like having different personalities that she would put on, like in front of my friends.

She was like this leave it to beaver mom. And then, you know, once the show was done and the production was done, as I like to call it for her, uh, she became, you know, the true alcoholic. And I remember thinking, like, I don't know how my dad can tolerate this, put up with it, and you know, he did for many years. And then when I was about 11 years old, my mom cheated on my dad, and they were, you know, going their separate ways.

And I remember my mom hacking all of her stuff and me telling her, I don't want to live with you, I want to live with my dad. So my mom told me I had to ask my dad permission if I could live with him. So I did just that. I remember my dad telling my mom, you know, you don't get that um ability to tell my daughter where she can and can't live.

So from there on out, it was, you know, me and my dad. My dad made every effort possible for me to see my mom on the weekends, hang out with her holidays, and I just remember I I just refused because I remember thinking like this is the woman that literally destroyed the only normalcy that I ever had was the mom, the dad, the house, all this stuff. And now I kind of felt like you know, she took all those things away from me. So growing up, I remember thinking the whole time, I don't ever want to be like my mom.

You know, sure enough, uh, our paths somehow met, but in different ways, I would say. The first time I drank, I was about 14 years old. Me and my friend went over to one of our friend's houses, and I remember them drinking and asking, you know, do you want to drink too? And I was like, sure, why not?

I drank Crown Royal for the first time. I remember going home, my friend throwing up all over the living room floor, and my dad asking me, What did you guys drink? And I'm like, We didn't drink shade of bad cheeseburger from McDonald's. And that I could say, you know, was the first moment that I realized that alcohol and me kind of went hand in hand, I guess you could say.

That feeling of like I felt like I fit in, I felt like I belonged, I felt a part of something other than what I was really feeling inside. Because I always I grew up with all my friends from like kindergarten up until all the way when we went through high school, but I just never felt a part of anything. I always felt like I was on the outside watching all my friends have fun, being able to be themselves. And I kind of just felt like I just I did everything that everybody told me to do because that's what I was expected to do.

In high school, I got good grades, I played sports, I did everything my parents wanted me to do. The only thing that was different about me is when I drank with my friends, I just drank more. And I never understood how everyone wanted to stop, but Amber wanted to keep going. But the one thing I just never did is I never let my dad down.

You know, I showed up for everything that I was supposed to show up for. But secretly inside, like I had this idea of I'm looking at myself in a mirror, but I'm seeing somebody completely different than is looking back at me. And I never understood, you know, what that was, why I felt that way, but I just know when I drank, I felt better. Then I graduated high school, I went to college at 18.

I that's when I got my first and only DUI. I left a bar, I ran a stop sign, a man hit me. Well, I hit him, and the first phone call that I made was to my mom, and I remember my mom getting there and trying to get me out of this DUI. Having me tell the cops that I wasn't drinking, giving me mouthwash, I mean, doing all these things to try to get me out of trouble with this DUI.

Unfortunately, that was not the case, and that was my first real consequence to drinking that I can remember thinking, this is the moment that I just let my dad down. This is the moment, how will I ever look at my dad in the eyes, and how will he ever forgive me for this? I remember going home and seeing, you know, my car in the driveway all smashed up, and my parents in the kitchen, and my dad asking me, So what are you gonna do now? And I remember thinking, What do you mean, what am I gonna do now?

You're not going to help me get out of this because that's what my parents did, you know. They always they were always there, they were always supportive. But this was the first moment that I can remember my dad actually setting a clear boundary with me and telling me, this is your mess to clean up and you're gonna have to figure it out. So I went to court, they told me I had to do X amount of AA meetings in a year span.

They told me, you know, I my I wouldn't have a driver's license for a year, and that was like my first year of college, and I remember not thinking so much of having to pay fines, not not having to go to meetings, not the the consequences behind it. But my first thought was, well, how am I supposed to get to school? How am I supposed to get to where I want to go if I can't drive? And that was again, once again, I had to rely on other people to get me places, and I thought, well, I guess that's my solution.

If I'm not driving, then I can drink more because other people will drive for me. So I remember going to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I went to the Costa Meso Alano Club. It was a noon meeting.

I remember walking in and sitting down and thinking, how did I how did I get here and why am I here? I remember listening to you know the readings and thinking, I I absolutely do not belong here. I remember people sharing, and I'm thinking, oh my gosh, the only thing these people do is smoke cigarettes and drink Diet Coke. How do I fit in this?

And the only other thing they're doing is complaining about their lives. Like, my life is not that bad. I just got a DUI because I ran a stop sign. This is normal behavior that 18-year-olds do.

And I remember them being super friendly, engaging, like, do you want to read? Do you want to do this? Trying to get me to see the similarities now that I look back on it, but I just I was like, nope, I don't belong here. Then I discovered, you know, you can sign your own cart paperwork, so that was the end of me going to meetings.

All throughout college, that's that's what I did. I drank. There was a bar on campus, so why not? I've done everything you can imagine.

I've tried to control my drinking, drink only on the weekends, limit what I drank, how much I drank, and none of that was ever successful for me. But the only thing that people didn't do while I was drinking was condone me for drinking. People accepted it, it was a normal part of what college kids do. My friends did it, and the only problematic behavior that I ever had was the DUI when I was drinking.

And my last year of college, I started dating a boy, and I remember thinking, while dating this person, like, I'm not really, I don't really like you all too much, but you drink with me, you drink like I do. So I mean, maybe this would be kind of a good fit for me. And then my last year of college, I got pregnant, and in that moment, that was when I discovered what am I gonna do with myself now? How am I going to drink?

Because I was one of those people that grew up, and I always told myself, I didn't want kids, I didn't want to get married, I didn't want to do all the things that my friends were doing. Um, it just none of that really interests me. And uh when I told my parents, you know, I was pregnant, the next words out of their mouth were, I guess you're gonna get married. And so that's what I did.

Just to make my parents happy, to make my grandparents happy. I did again what everybody wanted me to do because I never wanted to let anybody down. When the whole time I was letting myself down. I had my son.

Um, and I remember when my parents were planning the wedding, I remember telling my mom and dad, I don't want to plan this entire wedding at all. Like you guys can hire a wedding coordinator, a wedding planner, whatever you guys want to do. You just tell me when to show up, the day, the time, and I will be there. That's how little interest I had in being a part of any of this.

So I got married, and then when my son was about a year old, I remember my son's dad, he worked for Southern California Edison, and he hurt his back, and he went to the doctors and they gave him pain pills. And I remember watching him and thinking, I want to look like that. That looks like fun. Because the whole time now I am having to be a mom, go to work, put on this image that I'm in this happy marriage, that I love being in this marriage, that everything's going great, but inside I was just dying inside anything to escape the way I was wanting to feel, anything to get out of that, I was willing to do.

I remember when the doctor gave me permission, you know, to drink. I remember thinking, finally, I can get back to Amber's normal self and life will feel better again. So he was taking the pain pills for his back, and I remember asking him one day, like, hey, can I have one? And he's like, Yeah, sure, why not?

And I remember taking the first pill and drinking on top of that pill, and the moment that it all hit me, it was like the gates of heaven opened up, and I finally arrived at the spot in my life where this is what I was searching for my whole entire life. The anger that I had towards my mom dissipated, the feeling of being alone, the insecurities, the fears, the anxiety kind of all dissipated in that moment. And I remember thinking, I never want to stop this feeling. I want this to last forever.

And that's pretty much the mission that I set out on. All I did in the next six months was pretty much crashed and burned my whole entire life. I lost my job, I lost my car, I lost my family. In those six months, my family then started to see this shift in my behaviors.

The lying increased, the sneaking around increased, the stealing, you know, all the behaviors that that I swore I would never do, and the person that I swore I would never become, I became just like my mom, but ten times worse. I remember thinking, if I could just lie a little bit more, if I could just believe my lies that I'm telling my family, then maybe those lies would finally become my reality. Because I was really good at that. I was really good at telling people what they wanted to hear, making them believe that I was gonna do something different, and really in my heart believing that I was going to do it.

But unfortunately, that was never the case when I lost my job, and you know, having to explain to my dad why I lost my job, why I was behaving and acting the way I was acting, he asked me one time, he's like, Are you getting hot? And I said, Of course not, I would never do that. Why would you ever think that? And then I remember sitting there when he was asking me inside of my body, screaming out, just tell him yes, so you could finally get help that you need.

But the shame and the guilt that was surrounding me screamed louder, you have to keep this one a secret. So I started doctor shopping when I was at a doctor's office one day. I remember I was starting to make, you know, little friends at the doctor's office, them telling me about different doctors, me telling them about different doctors. And I was sitting there one day, and this guy said to me, You know, if you really want to make some real money, I can show you how.

And I remember looking at him and telling him, if you're gonna tell me to sell my ass, like we're gonna have a huge problem because that's never gonna happen. And he said, No, I'm gonna teach you how to do fraud. And I was like, Perfect, I could do that. What does that look like?

And that's what I started doing. I started making checks, um, making credit cards, and that is how I supported mine and my husband's at the time habit doing this. I also still had an image to uphold so that people didn't realize how far down the scale I went. So I also got a job as a property management because I did graduate college, I did get my degree in business with a minor in marketing.

So there was still a few people who wanted to hire me because I had that degree. So I took that job to kind of be my decoy or cover up, so that maybe people didn't realize how bad off I was. Obviously, during in that job, I was taking rent for that people were paying. The property was not being up caped the way it was supposed to be upkept.

And I knew I was only a moment of time before I lost that job too, and they gave me an apartment. And in this time as well, this is where I still had my son, and I remember I called grandma and I told grandma, you need to come pick up Hayden because I can't take care of him. And I thought in that moment I was being a good mom because I knew I couldn't take care of him, and I didn't want anything to happen to him where he would end up in DHS or anything like that. But the whole time, you know, now looking back, I was just being, you know, it was selfish behaviors just so I could drink and just so I could use more.

I remember my son's dad getting very upset with me for doing that. I remember thinking in my mind, but why do you even care? We're not even we're not even being good parents in this moment. So why would we want to put our child in harm's way?

So grandma sure enough came and got him. And in that moment, I felt free. I felt free, like finally, I can do what I want. I don't have a kid I have to take care of.

If I could just get rid of this husband, my life would be great, my life would be grand. That's that was just my perception that I had the whole entire time. The day after my birthday, I remember we didn't have any money. I said, just take me to the bank and I'll go cash a check.

And I remember walking into the bank, handing the lady the check, and it taking a very long time for them to cash this check. And I thought, this is really odd. But again, you know, I kind of had this invincible attitude, like I was never gonna get caught. This wasn't a big deal, this was just minor things that I was doing.

I cashed a check, I walked out of the Wells Fargo, and there was at least 10 cops with guns drawn, telling me to put my hands on top of my head and telling me to have a seat. I did just that, and the whole time in the parking lot, I could see my kid's dad like in his truck, like watching me. And I remember thinking, like, I could talk my way out of this one, it's gonna be okay. Like, I got this.

The cops are asking me all the questions, you know, are you on parole or probation? And I had the biggest attitude that anybody could ever have. I was like, God no, why would you think that? And they kind of gave me that look like you gotta be kidding me.

And so, anyways, I'm going through like the whole scenario with them lie after lie after lie after lie, thinking that maybe they're starting to believe my lie, that I didn't know that the check was bad, that I didn't know it was fake, that I've never done this before. You know, I was really good at that too, shifting the focus onto somebody else so people would stop looking at me. And then a man came out, like dressed in a suit with a piece of paper, and he said, What about all these? And in that moment I was like, Oh, and I didn't have anything to say to him.

That was my first first time that I went to jail. I remember thinking, not that I'm in trouble, but the thought was, How am I gonna drink and how am I gonna use? I'm gonna I'm I'm gonna get sick. Like, this isn't what I want.

I have to figure out how to get out of here. Not the fact that you know, I was doing seriously crimes that I should not have been doing, causing serious damage to my relationships. That was the last thing on my mind. The only thing on my mind was too how am I gonna get out so I could get drunk and so I could use?

And I remember thinking, okay, I'm gonna call my parents, my parents will bail me out. And I was convincing myself this whole time that my parents are gonna bail me out because the whole time I'll just shift the blame to my kid's dad. He's the one who made me do it, he's the one who got me started on all this, it's all his fault. And I called my mom and I told her where I was, and she was like, Don't tell me you got another DUI.

And I was like, if only I got another DUI. And I told her what happened, and my mom said, Absolutely not, hung up on me. My dad pretty much told me the same thing. My kid's dad obviously wasn't gonna be able to bail me out.

So I sat in jail. They take you through the booking process, they'll drug test you, they'll do all these things. Obviously, they asked me how much I drank. I told them, I said I probably drink, you know, up to I don't know, four pints a day.

I told them how much oxycolin I was taking, and they asked me if I take anything else. I said no. When they drug tested me, came back that I was positive for benzo, which I never took benzos. So, anyway, so the whole time I'm in there, they kept giving me, I guess, these pills to detox you from benzos and alcohol.

So I never went through withdrawals, I never got sick. So, jail to me wasn't a consequence. I looked at jail like, oh, this is like my chance for a vacation. My parents came and saw me.

My parents were putting money on my books, they were answering my phone calls the whole time and telling them I'm never gonna do this again. I go to my first court date, and you know, all the little people that you go to jail with, uh, all of a sudden they have their law degrees and their judges and they know all about what's gonna happen when you go to court. I sat there and I thought, okay, cool, I can ask for a program, and then I'm gonna get out of here. Then they're gonna let me go home.

Because that's what all my little pretend jail friends were like telling me. So I went and saw my public defender. I was talking to him, and the judge overheard me ask for a program. And I remember the judge laughing at me and said, You've got to be kidding.

You're a spoiled little brat that needs to be taught a lesson. You'll be lucky if I give you less than five years in the state penitentiary. And I remember my parents being in court and my me looking at my parents and my parents looking at me. And as the judge is also reading off the charges, 47 felony counts.

And I could see my mom mouthing 47 to me. And again, you would think in my mind, I would be thinking of all the things I want to do to change, or all the things I want to do to make this better. Uh that's not what I was doing at all. I just thought, okay, whatever, I'll do what they say.

So that was my first time going to prison. I got out, I went home to live with my dad. And while I was in jail and prison and stuff, I kept telling them, I'm gonna get sober, I'm never gonna do this again, I'm gonna get help. And in the back of my mind, I always knew, like, you're not done yet.

You're just not done yet. This isn't over. Um, I would love to say that I was, you know, stayed sober, but unfortunately, like again, nobody condoned me for my drinking. They only condoned me when I took pain pills.

So what did I do? I just started drinking again. And then eventually I went right back. But in this time, instead of pain pills, I just went to heroin.

And again, I just got back on that cycle. And that was what my life was like for the next four and a half years, five years, in and out of jail, went back to prison a couple times, and then in the last time I went to jail, that was in 2014. I remember I got arrested at a McDonald's, and the detective that I went to meet arrested me. And I remember looking at him and I told him, Thank you.

And he said, Why are you thanking me? And I said, Because I'm tired. And he's like, You're tired. I said, I'm just tired.

So I would love to say that when I went back to jail, that I was gung-ho on getting sober or getting clean. No, that's that wasn't the case. I was just tired. I didn't understand the word tired in the sense that I was willing to surrender.

That's not the point that I was at. I think I was just defeated to the point of I just need to do something different, but I didn't know what that looked like. So I went to jail and I remember there was a lady that was in there with me, and she would come with the big book, and she would come with the Bible every day to me and be like, Do you want to read? And I remember Alcoholics Anonymous, and I was like, Nope, I don't fit in there because they drink Diet Coke and smoke cigarettes and bitch about their problems.

I don't fit in there, and I'm not gonna be like one of these people that becomes like a Jesus freak and like doing all that. I always had a connection to God. I always believed in God, I always knew there was a God. I just didn't know how I could ever face God with everything that I've ever done.

How could God look at me the same? So it wasn't that I didn't believe he was there, I just had so much shame wrapped around it that I couldn't look at God in that sense. So I was sitting there and I heard a voice that said, just read it. And I was like, that's not my voice.

What is that? So I said, okay, I wasn't willing to give Alcoholics Anonymous a chance, though, because I remember what that was about, and I remember having this idea of how those two old dudes are gonna teach me how to get sober or how to do anything when I've hit such a rock bottom, how would you ever crawl out of this? So I wasn't willing to do that, but I was willing to read the Bible with her, so I started doing that, and I remember there was a verse in the Bible in Ecclesiastics where it says, if you make a promise to God and you break that promise, He will take back everything you work so hard for. So I remember thinking I can do that, I can say I don't want to drink or use, and that was on April 14th, 2014.

But the only thing I wasn't willing to do was change everything else because I didn't know how. So while I was in there, they told me about a two-year program called Delancy Street that they said, you know, would probably change my life. I should probably go there. So I was like, okay, I could do a two-year program.

That sounds fun. And that was the first time that I was ever willing to do a program or willing to do anything to do something different. So I wrote the letter. They told me, unfortunately, we can't do anything while you're there because you're already sentenced.

When you get out, though, you could come to us first thing, and then you could start the process of getting in. And I would love to say that I went there right when I got out, but unfortunately I didn't because I wasn't willing to change behaviors. So I went to Long Beach, California and bummed around there for a little bit, but I didn't drink and I didn't use. But I remember those feelings were coming back the useless, the hopeless, the shame, the guilt, the remorse, all the stuff that made me think maybe that's the only life I'm ever gonna have is to be an alcoholic heroin addict.

Maybe that's what God had for me. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do. But I knew in my heart there had to be something else. I just didn't know what it was.

So I was couch surfing in Long Beach, California, and this guy that I was staying with was made was a video editor and made like commercials for like tours down in LA and like Hollywood Hills and and all in that area. And this guy came over that he was gonna do edit a video for, and the guy looked right at me as if he was looking in my soul, and he goes, What are you doing with your life? And I wanted to be the smart ass that I was and tell him what I was doing with my life, but again, God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. I said, I have no idea.

And he's like, Well, what are your options? And somehow Delancey Street came out of my mouth and he looked right at me and he goes, If I was you, I would go there. I just graduated there and it changed my life. And I thought, okay, I can do this, I can do that.

There's gotta be something better for me out here than what I'm doing. So I called my mom, which I haven't talked to my mom in four years or so, and I asked her and I told her my plan. She said, Okay, I'll come get you at 10 o'clock. The next day, I was shocked.

I was like, my mom's actually gonna come get me and take me. This is amazing. Again, God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself because I guess I had that voice of desperation. My mom came and got me.

I went to Delancey's tree. It was all behavioral modification. It was that program that knocks you down to build you back up. And so I would love to say when I got there, I was like the gung ho little little client or patient, however you want to define it.

But that was the first moment that I admitted I was an alcoholic and that I had a problem in a room full of strangers, these strange ladies that I didn't know. That was the first time I did actually a step one and said I am powerless over alcohol, and my life is unmanageable. And that was the first time ever that I felt so free that I felt like people really saw me and wanted to help me just because they cared. And I didn't know these people.

I had trust issues, you know. I always thought people were just using me for whatever they could get out of me. And I got into that program and I worked that program to the best of my ability. Every day that I was there, I would pray to God, please take the obsession to drink and use away from me.

Please, because I don't want to go back to what I was doing prior to coming in here. I completed that. I got out, I had no idea what I was going to do with myself. And my friend asked me, you know, he's like, Have you ever thought about working in treatment?

And I was like, Yeah, I could do that. I can work in treatment, why not? So that's what I did. I went, worked in treatment in Palm Springs, California.

And I thought that's what's gonna keep me sober. I'll just work in treatment, work around other alcoholics, because I remember in Delancey Street, you know, you be of service, you help other people, you do this. And I thought that's that's the golden ticket. And I started doing that, and I had friends that were getting sober before me, and they were falling off.

And I would ask them, like, what happened? Like, you were doing so good, like I don't understand. And every single one of them told me I stopped working a program. And I was like, Oh, they're like, What are you doing to stay sober?

And I'm like, I work in treatment. And they said, That's that's not enough. Like, you gotta do something else. And I said, Well, what's something else I do?

And they said, Go to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I was like, Oh gosh, not that again. But I was so willing and I was so desperate to not go back to what I was doing before that I said, Okay. So I went to my meeting, my first meeting, that I actually sat down, listened to what everybody said, and heard what they were actually really saying in those meetings. I actually understood the words coming out of how it works.

And when it said, rarely do rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. I started listening to people share, and I was thinking, how do they know exactly what I'm feeling, exactly what I'm thinking, exactly every emotion that I've ever had my whole entire life, and I've never spoken to these people a day in my life. And I remember thinking, I wish I would have done this when I was 18. So I started going to meetings.

I started um sitting down, I started listening, I started talking to people after the meetings, and this lady came up to me one day after a meeting, and she stuck out her hand and she said, I'm gonna be your sponsor. And I was like, What's that? Like, what are you talking about? And she started going through it.

She's like, I need you to call me every day. And I remember thinking, every day, that's a little obsessive. Like, I don't talk to anybody on the phone every day. And she asked me, Are you willing to do whatever it takes to change your life?

And I was like, Yeah, all right, I'll call you every day. Fine. Can I text? She said, No, call.

I was like, Man, you're kind of pushy, but okay, I'll do it. So I started calling her every day. Then she said, She got me a book. She's like, I need you to read this, I need you to read this, and then we're gonna go over it, and then I need you to write about this.

And I'm like, man, this is a lot of work, thinking, why do I have to do all this writing? Like, what's the point in all this? You know, and then she started telling me, I need you to remember the third set prayer, and I was like, man, you know, I started doing everything that she said because she had something that I wanted, she had like exuberated this confidence and like this happiness that I've that I haven't seen and or felt from another individual in such a long time. But every time I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I always got that feeling from anybody who was in that room.

So I started doing the steps. I did steps one, two, and three, then I got to four. I did my fourth step with her, and I remember thinking, I can't even believe I'm about to tell this this person everything I've done, and the old thoughts came back. She's gonna judge you, she's gonna criticize you.

How are you ever gonna look this lady in the eyes and tell her everything you've done? And I remember after doing my fourth step and then giving it to her. So my fifth, she said, That's all you've done, sweetheart. Now let me tell you about mine.

And in that moment, again, one of those God moments, I finally felt I'm not alone. I'm not in this journey alone, and I don't have to do these things ever alone unless I choose to do them alone. Then when we got to eight and nine, that's where I dug my heels in because it came down to making an amends to my mom. And I said, I'm never making an amends to that lady.

That lady does not deserve an amends from me at all. I went to make my amends to my mom's, I don't know, fourth husband that she had. And I remember making my amends to him, and my mom looking me dead in the eyes and asking me, where's my amends? And I remember thinking, Man, you're never gonna get an amends out of me.

But I did make my amends to my mom. I made my amends to my dad. My dad was the best amends that I ever made, but that was the most important amends that I had to make was to my dad, because my dad was the person that was always there for me. He never gave up on me.

He may have set boundaries with me, but he never gave up on me. And when I got sober, I saw him when I was three years sober, and I made my amends, and I remember my dad telling me, he was telling me about a surgery and how he took oxycontin, and he said, You know what, kiddo, I can understand why those pills would have led you down that path. And I remember thinking, My dad finally understands. And my dad, my dad did understand.

He didn't understand all of it, but he understood enough to make me to make me feel like I was supported by him. Um, so I got to rebuild that relationship with my dad. I slowly rebuilt the one with my mom. The the little boy that I gave away.

I was able to get him back in my life. I was able to establish, you know, real healthy uh friendships. I had a relationship with with a guy that wasn't a hostage, you know. I didn't take him to to look to make myself feel better or make myself present to be better.

We are we were actually in a partnership that we did it together. The only thing about that relationship that I can say is that I was doing a program and he was dry. Um so I went on with that relationship and I just kept doing the work. I kept doing the work, I kept going to meetings, I kept working on character defects, I kept evolving, I kept changing, and I went back to school to get my master's so I could be, you know, a therapist because I was working treatment.

So I worked my way up in treatment. My next goal was to open up sober livings. I did that in Northwest Arkansas. My next goal was to get that record expensive that I graciously racked up, you know, so many felonies.

So I started chiseling away at all these things, and I remember hearing the promises every time at a meeting, and I'm thinking, before when I heard them, there's no way those promises are ever gonna come true for me. There's just no way. Like I've done so much damage. God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, the promises came came true.

You know, I started getting those felonies expunged, I got my masters, I became a clinical director, I opened up that sober living, started sponsoring people, I started to value and appreciate myself more than I ever have ever in my life over the last 12 years. You know, I've had some tough times in sobriety. I um I had to have a full hysterectomy when I was about 10 years sober. And that was the first moment where I remember the doctor telling me, I'm gonna give you pain pills for after the surgery.

And I remember sitting in that doctor's office, and this was the first time I ever saw my whole sobriety go out the window. That was the first time I was ever scared to death that I was going to relapse. And I remember thinking, Oh my God, what do I do? And I remember God saying, You know what to do.

So I called my sponsor. You know, I I shared about it in meetings, I I journaled about it, I wrote about it, I, you know, I talked about it so much. I, you know, I prayed about it at church. I had people praying over me.

And I remember thinking in that moment, like that sponsor that said, What in life would ever be able to take you out? And I remember telling her when she asked me that question, like, challenge accepted, like, there's gotta be a reason why people would relapse. Like, there's gotta be a good reason why. And I did, you know, I went out and tried to find the best reason possible.

And when I went back to her, I said, There's absolutely nothing in this world that would ever cause me to want to drink or use. And so, in that moment, that was that that scary moment that I had. Um, I didn't drink and I didn't I didn't take pain pills. I found an alternative way to deal with the pain.

In that 10-year relationship, I started to see these red flags of like what it looks like for untreated alcoholism and how it could affect a relationship. During this time, too, I I went back to California after moving to Arkansas for a year. I came back to Arkansas and I was in Arkansas for three days, and I got a phone call from my uncle that my dad was killed in a head-on collision coming back from Wyoming. And I remember in that moment, like my whole entire world was falling apart.

That was a moment that I realized my hero, the person who was with me through everything, is no longer gonna be here with me. And uh during that time, I lost my job. Probably two months later, I lost my that relationship of ten and a half years on my first Father's Day without my dad. And I remember being so angry at God for like taking everybody away from me and taking all these things away from me, and I remember thinking I'm sober, I'm of service, I help other people, I pray, I go to church, I I do all the things, God, and you're and you like rip the the carpet out from underneath me.

And um I never got the idea that I wanted to drink. I knew that wouldn't fix it. I didn't get the idea that I should get loaded, that wouldn't have fixed it. The only thing I knew to do was go to more meetings, the only thing I knew to do was pick up that phone every single day and call someone an Alcoholics Anonymous because I knew they were the only people that were gonna save my life besides God.

And so that's what I did. I dove in, you know, because I would get I would love to say I work a program like perfectly, but I don't all get in my head and think, like, oh, I don't need to go to meetings, I could skip this one, or I don't need to call my sponsor today, or you know, I'm not gonna do that 10-step because there's nothing that I've done, but that's uh that's the old me and my addiction trying to creep back in and to tell me the lies that aren't true. So I could say this this 11 to 12 was I would like to call that my healing process of and I'm still healing from all this. Um but this is where I could say, you know, I've I got closer to God.

I finally saw that, you know, life, like when they say life's on life's terms, like I never I understood what that meant, but I never really gr concept the the idea of that until I really got life on life's terms. And what are you gonna do when life decides to give you those sucker punches? And I'm just extremely grateful that I had people that surrounded me, that I had a sponsor that had a similar situation and was able to walk me through all this. I'm grateful that God never gave up on me.

I'm grateful I didn't give up on myself because I've I have watched, you know, the what it looks like to struggle, and I don't ever want to go back to that life again because I have a pretty cool life. And it's all because I I just stayed. When they told me to sit down and shut up and just stay, I I did just that. And I am super grateful for that.

And I think that's all I got. SPEAKER_01 44:24 Thank you, Amber. Very nicely done. Very nicely done.

Thank you. You talked about a apprehension or downright refusal to do an amends with your mom. How did it end up going? SPEAKER_00 44:45 It went it went well.

My mom and I have been able to work on the relationship. Because I always thought when I made the amends to my mom it was going to be like this her criticizing me, her putting me down for a lot of things, but it was quite the opposite she she understood where I was coming from and in that you know we were able to be a mom and daughter. We still have we're still working on that relationship. But I was finally able to see my mom and understand my mom did the best that she could with what she had.

And I finally understood that my mom is just in her disease and I gotta love her where she's at. And the only thing I can do is be the example for my mom. SPEAKER_01 45:38 And the amends with your father who just recently passed away it sounds like it was very recent. I'm so sorry for your loss I'm so sorry for your loss.

SPEAKER_00 45:50 Tell us about that amends um so I was able to go make my amends to my dad when he lived in Oregon and it was just so beautiful because my dad said the one word he the only thing he said he was like I will always love you and I'm just proud of you that I finally got my daughter back. And all that stuff that you did in the past is in the past and he's like I've I've forgiven you a long time ago and that was the one thing that my dad would always taught me is how proud he was of me and you know it was a very long time that I didn't hear that from him because I wasn't around and to hear that he was proud of me and that he forgave me was one of the best gifts that sobriety gave me was my dad back and my son. How old is your son now? My son now he's 20.

Oh he's in college he's he's doing great he's a good kid I mean I couldn't have asked for a better kid. SPEAKER_01 46:57 He's just the sweetest boy he's lucky to have a sober mom. Yeah how did you work through your anger at God when you lose your job and that decade plus relationship and your father you said that you were angry at God. How did you work through that to the point where not only did you work through it but I think you went on to say that you got closer to God and you have this whole understanding of life on life's terms so I had I started going to grief counseling after all these things happened and I I've been in therapy throughout my whole sobriety had a lady that told me a long time ago if you ever get mad at God like God can handle your anger.

SPEAKER_00 47:50 Like he's never gonna not love you. He's never going to turn his back on you and so I had a therapist that told me I want you to write a letter that you think God would be saying to you right now through all this that you've walked through like what do you think God would would say to you so that's exactly what I did I also had somebody ask me one time what happens if God wasn't was in charge of the worst day of your life to show you what life could be like just over that side of the fence and I remember thinking that's the only thing that could happen is that God was in charge of the worst days of my life but there was so much more that I had to see in that and I wasn't really mad at God. I was mad at the man who decided to change lines I wasn't mad at God I was mad at the person who left me. I wasn't mad at God for my job I was mad at the the job but it was just easier for me to say I'm angry at God because I knew God could take on that anger versus me trying to lash it out on human beings which I did I did do that but I knew God could take my anger and I knew God would sit with me in that anger and wouldn't condemn or shame me for any of that and that's brought you closer to your higher power so yeah so through that I I just dove in deeper you know I started meditating like meditation was always a hard thing for me to do I could never shut the mind off long enough but I started doing that I started praying I started talking to God more I started building a different kind of relationship with God coming from a different perspective that I was able to understand that I wasn't alone that there was a reason there was a reason for all these things that happened I I don't I I don't think I'll ever understand the reason why my dad had to die but the relationship ending that person unfortunately relapsed so that could have been me in the midst of all that the job that I that I lost that company unfortunately went under you know so there was all these things that were going on behind the scenes that I didn't see in the moment but later on God's like I'm going to show you why these things happened you just have to be patient and he did I think that was one of the comforting things and also learning that I'm gonna be okay because that was like one of my things growing up and all throughout life is like I never felt okay but through all this I felt okay I felt like it's okay to not be okay and that's okay it's okay to feel broken it's okay to feel hopeless it's okay to feel rejection it's okay to f it's okay to feel all those things because it's all normal emotions that an individual is going to go through and it's okay.

SPEAKER_01 51:17 That's so simple I wonder if part of alcoholics broken thinking is wrapped into your commentary just now in terms of we somehow f feel like our emotions are gonna kill us and we can't have bad days or weeks or months like we have to fix it. SPEAKER_00 51:42 We have to do something to fix the way we feel and that's what I that's what I just I just did I you know I I I read all the books like the let them book the it didn't start with you I mean I I read all these books I did all this stuff that people were telling me to do and you know those were great those were great things to do but until I actually dove into the solution and actually dove into like the real depth works that I had to do through all this stuff is really where I started to see these beautiful like miracles coming out where I got to discover more about myself that I didn't realize I had more unpacking to do or character defects that I thought I let go of but they were still there. I got to do you know that that internal work with myself and learning to love myself even more and learning to appreciate myself and learning to show myself grace show other people grace and just have compassion and mercy on myself and others around me. I always think that certain people should be the ones to help me and God was showing me that certain people didn't know how to help me because they didn't know what to do but I got all these other people around you that I'm I'm showing you are there that are there to help I just need you to reach out to them and that's what I got to see.

SPEAKER_01 53:17 I got to open my eyes and see people that I would never have thought in a million years like this is the person that's gonna help me through this and he's like yep that's the person and I'm like okay okay there they are and that was like the beautiful thing of it that reminds me of the person in your story that I wanted to ask a question about but I didn't have one to ask but how cool is this video editor guy who randomly had been in the Delancey street program that you I don't know it's your Eskimo is that what they call it in Long Beach have you heard the term Eskimo no I don't think I have okay that must be a very small pocket that made this shit up but your Eskimo is the person that brings you to the program or introduces you to the program or I'm probably getting this all wrong. SPEAKER_00 54:21 I like to say penguin but I'm pretty sure it's Eskimo but now I'm second guessing myself maybe it's penguin but I think anyways whatever tell me about that dude how cool was that story I mean that was just that and that was the only that was the last time the first time the only time I ever saw that man I've I've never seen him again since then but he's he's in a significant part of my story he was again somebody that God put there like here's this person I need you to listen to him this guy's got what you need this is what you're asking for and here he is listen to him and I did and he that man changed my life and I don't I don't think I'll ever I hope I get to see him one day again if I do I mean he he definitely plays a huge part in my story as small as it may be it was the biggest thing that I ever did that was the first step the only step that I ever took to to get sober like I never I would stop doing certain things but I always went back alcohol was always there I never gave that up because I never thought that was a problem so if I ever got to see that man I would have to you know thank him from the bottom of my heart because he really did change my life with just that small little conversation that we had the magic and mystery of the miracle that we find in these rooms absolutely okay well maybe he'll hear this episode and then there'll be like a connection how fun would that be back to what we're here for. SPEAKER_01 55:59 So please um take a moment we're gonna pause and see if there is anything that you left out of your story that you would like to share or speak about just don't give up on yourself. SPEAKER_00 56:15 Don't give up before the miracle happens because the miracles do happen and those promises that they talk about in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous they absolutely do come true just like it says sometimes quickly sometimes slowly they will always materialize if we work for them.

And that's just what I could say is just just do the work. It's a simple program laid out and it will change your whole entire life because it did for me. That's what I got that's good. SPEAKER_01 56:50 That's good and you kinda answered my final question too so we could skip this last one but if there's any final message you have for the listener who is suffering with or without sobriety um and if you've already said it all in your last answer that and we'll cut it there.

SPEAKER_00 57:09 Just give yourself a chance I promise you there is a better life and your life will change and people are praying for you each and every day inside and outside the rooms that's what we do. SPEAKER_01 57:23 And we're here to help for more information read the first one hundred and sixty four pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or visit keepcoming back dot net