vol 309. The Miracle of AA with Julie P.

SPEAKER_00 0:01 We believe that alcoholism is a disease and that Alcoholics Anonymous is one solution to that disease. I'm here to bring you the voices of its members. Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA. As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest.

SPEAKER_02 0:25 My name is Julie. I'm an alcoholic. I have a sobriety date of August 22nd, 2017. I'll just start from the beginning.

I am the youngest in my entire family. It's crazy if I think back, the disease of alcoholics has been a part of my story even from a child. I remember my first time. I think it started with food, um, but my first time of having like a different something that controlled my thinking was I remember being in like the first grade and having white out and smelling it, and it changed my thinking.

You know, it made me feel high. And I remember liking that feeling, and I was like, wow, what's this? And I'm, you know, sitting under the desk, smelling this whiteout, and and just feeling good. Of course, my drinking and of course outside issues did not take place for many years later.

I also remember boys being a part of my story and learning that sexual attention was was how I can get what I wanted. I learned that from an early age, probably about 12 years old. I grew up with two older brothers. My middle brother was my best friend, and he's the one that introduced me to marijuana for the first time.

And I remember smoking pot and just loving it. You know, later on that year I got drunk for the first time, and that's when I arrived. You know, you hear that a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous. I arrived.

I got drunk off of 40 from an older guy and lied about my age. And I think later on that year, about 13 years old, is when I started um methamphetamines. I remember my dad giving me on my 13th birthday a half of an orange with a candle in it, saying I don't need cake. And that's my perception of that story.

I actually talked to my stepmom about that story, and she said she was the one that gave me the orange because she thought I was watching my weight. And um, I just remember that being a pivotal moment in my life. And I went home and I was crying in my neighborhood, and the drug dealer of the neighborhood, you know, asked me what was wrong. I told him I was fat, and he said he could help me with that, and that's when he introduced me to methamphetamines.

Um so at 13 years old, I've tried everything except heroin. I was a crazy kid, always putting myself in situations to get hurt. There was another time in my life where my disease took a turn for the worst. I was at a house party, I was drinking and using, and I woke up pretty beat up and don't remember a single thing, you know.

And that this is when I was 15 years old. And, you know, I like to talk about these things in recovery and bring them to the attention of other women out there because sexual abuse is not okay. And putting myself in positions to get hurt happened a lot in my disease. You know, at 15 years old, after that house party, I found out I was pregnant.

And, you know, at that moment, I thought my life was over. I was scared, I was alone. You know, thank God I have a mom who's amazing and stood by my side, but I ended up having that baby, you know, at 15 years old. And um, that's when my life got a little different.

I quit drinking, I quit using drugs, and you know, I managed. I would drink very rarely, um, but the disease was still on high alert. I was full of fear. I raised my daughter full of fear, about 17 years old.

Got married to um my boyfriend at the time, and he was a great dad and took my daughter on his own. We had another son at and I was 18 years old. So at 18 years old, I had two babies. I had no idea what I was doing with my life, high school dropout, all of these things, but I thought I was managing well because I wasn't, you know, going to house parties, I wasn't putting myself in positions to get hurt.

That husband was very verbally abusive the longer we were together, and life was very simple and small. I was put in a bubble, I wasn't allowed to work, I wasn't allowed to, you know, wear makeup, go out with friends. So for a long time, um, I just was the best mom I could be at 18 years old with these two kids and did the best I could with them with all the fear and untreated alcoholism. My ex-husband actually is a alcoholic and he, you know, always drank and stuff like that.

And, you know, if he was drinking, I wouldn't drink. But if he wouldn't drink, like on my birthday, I was I would drink, but it was never out of control, you know. There was another pivotal moment in my life. I was about 23, and that husband of mine at the time and my best friend I grew up with had a year and a half affair.

And I remember thinking to myself, I would have taken a bullet knowing that they wouldn't do that. And because I was untreated and because of not having the tools of Alcoholics Anonymous in my pocket, I turned back to drugs. You know, my son was about three. My daughter was about five at this time, and my drinking just took off.

My drinking took off. And my kids knew if um mom had a drink, don't drink after mom because it was full of alcohol. I would always drink and drive. I mean, if I didn't have a car seat, I'd sit my kids on books because it made them look like they were on a booster seat.

You know, there's so many times where I could have completely lost my kids. I stayed with that husband until 2011. And in 2011, I remember thinking to myself, like, I don't want to live like this anymore. And I thought the solution was to leave him, and um, so I did.

And I thought I was gonna get better because he was the problem and it wasn't me. And my drinking uh got a lot worse. I was drinking vodka straight. I had to have it in the morning, or else I was sick.

I didn't know much about detox facilities or anything like that. I was still pretty new, never been in the program. With that time in my life, me and my kids lived in a studio in Huntington Beach, and and I pretty much don't remember that whole um living there, that whole time living there. I did have a job, I was a CNA, and I lost that job because I would drink on the job, and the elderly people ratted on me.

So she smells like alcohol every day, you know, and um thank God they did. Lost that house, I lost that job, and me and my kids moved into one of my good friends' house. And while I was there, I remember it was 2012, January 20, probably 25th, 2012, and it was about 10 a.m. And you know, me and my best friend Jim at the time, he was my drinking buddy, we drink every day together, and we were just drunk already at 10 a.m.

The kids were at school, and and um I was crying because he did this and she did that, and I never got an apology, and you know, all this stuff. And I remember I got up to go get another drink, and at this moment I had what we now call a spiritual awakening or a moment of clarity. You know, God spoke to me. Um, this is a huge, huge awake in my um life, a huge like God sent.

I stood up, I had like tingles through my whole body, and I heard God say, Your whole life has been a pity party. You know, and at that moment I stopped and I was screaming, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. And my friend's like, Oh, we can go get another bottle. I'm like, I'm done drinking.

You know, and at this time, my oldest brother was in recovery. Um, he gave me a phone number to this lady named Julie. I had her in my phone as Julie AA. And um, I called that woman and I was drunk, and she said, Come meet me at a meeting right now.

And I said, I'll go tomorrow because I was, you know, super hammered. Um, and I did. I followed suit. I went to a meeting the next day, and I can tell you what, from that moment in 2012, January 26th, I never thought about alcohol again.

God has had absolutely removed anything that I needed to have. Um, I remember I detoxed by myself. Um, I was super sick, um, which is super dangerous. Don't do that.

And I went to meetings, you know, I was about two months sober. Me and my kids got an apartment. Um, I got a good job. Things were just coming super quick.

That woman, Julia, God rest her soul. She's passed now. She became my first sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous. Really quick before I continue with this story.

I have uh my dad has almost 40 years of sobriety. And when I was five, he got sober and left us. So I knew what Alcoholics Anonymous was because when we would see him when I was little, we would go to meetings. But this was my first time being introduced on my own to Alcoholics Anonymous.

So I went to these meetings. I was about two months sober. I found a him right away. He was my knight in shining armor.

He didn't, you know, verbally abuse me, he didn't beat me. I moved my kids in with him right away, and and all my eggs were in his basket. You know, he became my god. And um, and I really think deep down I just wanted to be loved.

Like I really just wanted to have that um loving relationship. But in my thinking, like, if I was skinnier, he would love me more. If I was blonde, he would love me more. If I just changed who I was, he'd love me more.

And it was a really sick relationship. He he was as sick as they come and and um did whatever he needed to do. And a couple years into that relationship, um, my son moved out of my house and in with his dad because he didn't like him. Um, my son, you know, probably seen what I was blind to.

And um that was the first time I didn't have my son in my care. Probably a little while later, you know, I'm still going to meetings, you know, I did this stuff to the best of my ability at that time. I don't know if I got super honest with myself or really looked, I don't think I really looked deep down on what was going on with me or dug deep on some things that I probably needed to at that time. I probably just did first surface level uh recovery.

And um, this guy became my god, and all my eggs were in his basket. And there was a time where he was relapsed and and you know, did some other awful things, and I decided I'm gonna move out and I don't want to be with him anymore. So I got an apartment in Huntington Beach, and my, you know, it's sad because my daughter was a teenager at this time, and she said that that was the best moment in her life when it was just me and her in this apartment. We had a roommate, we would do church and we were going to meetings.

It was a really good time in my sobriety. I felt strong for leaving him and not staying when it was unhealthy. And but something happened. Like I stopped calling my sponsor, I stopped going to meetings, and when I go to meetings, I was just like, fuck these people, you know, they're probably lying.

You know, I took his relapse and put it on everybody else. So I stopped doing the things I needed to do. I stopped growing in Alcoholics Anonymous, I stopped talking to my sponsor, I stopped going to meetings, I stopped working with other women, and the opportunity presented itself in January 1st, 2014. 26 days shy of my two year, I went to a bar with another sober member to play pool for New Year's, and I met my cousin there.

And my cousin is older than me, and she's always been um, she was the first one I got drunk with, was her friends, and she's always been, you know, boys and drinking and stuff like that. And we didn't talk for a very long time. And when I met her at the bar, it was it was good to see her. Like I gave her a hug, and you know, I took in the new year with a non-alcoholic beverage, you know, whatever it was, juice or apple cider, I don't remember.

And my sober friend left and I said, I'm gonna stay. And you know, not thinking about the choices I make will affect the rest of my life, right? The choices I make, that choice to stay without my sober companion affected my life in such a negative way. And this is, you know, I'm gonna get um into my story, like the real deep part of my story here is um I made a choice and I I looked at my cousin and I said, you know what, pour me a shot.

She goes, really? You know, and she poured me a shot and I took a shot because I wanted some relief. I remember just feeling so awful inside about that relationship I left and just feeling not good enough. And I had to have the attention of a man to make me feel whole, right?

And it wasn't something I knew, but it was like a subconscious thing. And you know, I remember taking that shot, and God removed that disease back in 2012, right? Removed that obsession. I took that shot and it did absolutely nothing for me.

Absolutely nothing. I was pissed, right? The thing that used to take all the pain away was not did nothing. And I looked at my cousin and I said, Girl, you're tweaking.

And um I she said, no, I'm not. And I said, bitch, give me a line, you know, give me a line. And I didn't touch meth at this time in years. I mean, it was years and years and years.

And um I did that line, and that night I was smoking meth. Um, you know, I had my own apartment at this time. I had a really nice car, I had a job in mental health. Um, and I told her I'm just gonna do it on weekends.

Um, it's gonna help me lose some weight. And, you know, weekends were turned turned into daily use, turned into, you know, me losing that apartment, um, me losing that car, you know, having really sketchy people in my house. Once I lost that apartment, it took about a month for me to lose. I literally lost the apartment and the car within days of each other because I couldn't pay rent.

You know, I lost that job right away. Right away, I lost that job. And they say, you know, I gave it away, right? With the choices I made, I gave it away really.

I became homeless for the first time in my life. And my kids moved in with their dad, and I was free. You know, I I've always raised these kids since I was 15 years old. I was the best mother I could be, and uh now I get to live.

Now I get to be wild and crazy and and all of this stuff. And this relapse really took me. I completely forgot everything about Alcoholics Anonymous. I put myself um in so many situations, you know.

I really want to talk about recovery in this um podcast and you know what it's done for me. I'm just gonna share a little bit more on the experience, right? And, you know, I became homeless, I was living on the streets. There was a time I was in the tunnels um in Orange County, and that was super weird.

I remember one time I um fell asleep at someone's house and woke up with all my stuff robbed, and I was, you know, again, sexually assaulted. And and because of that, you know, I really thought in my head, not like, oh my God, I was violated, it was like, oh my God, I must be a piece of shit, you know, I must be incapable of being loved. And this is what my heart truly felt, you know, I was incapable. I'm incapable of doing anything right in my life.

Um, and you know, I do have suicide uh attempt in my you know story, and I do want to touch on that because I know a lot of people do um suffer from that and self-hate and stuff, and it was just um a huge thing in my life. Um, you know, there was a time after that, you know, sexual assault, and you know, I had a boyfriend at the time, you know, another guy, and and he was telling me I deserved it and all of this stuff, you know, and I we were in a motel on Beach Boulevard, and I had this knife, and I just remember sitting there Indian style, and you know, just jamming that knife in my main artery, my leg. And the moment it happened, I was like, What are you doing? You know, but I really thought, like to my inner core, that everybody would be happy if I was just gone.

You know, my family was disappointed, my daughter wanted nothing to do with me. She couldn't stand the way I was living my life. My son, anytime I seen him, he just had these like big puppy dog eyes of like hurt in his heart. When I did that, I died.

You know, there was just blood everywhere. I died. And, you know, thank God for that boyfriend I had at the time, even though he was what he was, he he did save my life. Um, you know, I had to walk down three flights of stairs bleeding out, and I got to the hospital and I just nicked my main artery by severed my muscle, you know, they had to put everything back together and they asked how it happened.

And I worked in mental health, so I knew everything what to say to not get 5150, right? I didn't want to be labeled as a suicide attempt. And I told them it was an accident that I was playing with it, and they said he believed me and you know, showed me up. And you know, I remember the doctor coming in and looking at me, and I told him I was hiding a drug habit from my whole family, which if you think about it now, it's probably not hiding anything, but um, in my mind I was hiding it, and I wish, you know, I wish that doctor um, you know, would have given me, you know, a 5150 or something.

I was seeking help at that time, you know, saying that to him. Um, however, you know, I had to learn how to walk. Um, it was, you know, it was really painful. So my ex-husband took me into his apartment and shipped me off to my dad's house.

My dad and my stepmom, who had 30-something years of sobriety at the time, and they shipped me off there to get the help I needed. And not long did it take for me to heal, and not long did it take for me to find another hymn out there in the high desert and start using out there. And this is where my story got so much worse and so much more weirder, and there's so much more stuff there. But I of course I found another hymn, and this other hymn was the worst of them all.

He would chain me up in his garage and beat me and then love me, and I would always go back because I really felt he was the only one that loved me. And it's so weird the thinking that we have when we're just so sick, right? And I remember telling him, like, I have a whole church and a whole bunch of people that love me. He said, You have no one.

No one wants you around. Your family doesn't even want you around, you know. And um probably right before I got sober on August 22nd, there was a time, I think it was in July, probably this time of year. I was going to my brother's wedding, and my my brother shipped me off to my dad's house.

At this time, I'm traveling back and forth to Orange County to the high desert to see him, then run away from him, and see him and run away from him. And I'm I'm homeless. I had a car my friend gave me. It was a super old Volvo and had all my shit in it.

And at that time I was living in this car, and my brother ships me off to my dad's house to get some sleep before his wedding. And the last night before his wedding, I sneak out of the house and I go see him again. And we get super high. And then as he's dropping me off, he hit me super hard and said, I should be going with you.

And and I heard God again saying. He's gonna kill you, you know. This guy is going to kill you. And that was the last time I seen him.

I stayed away and I listened to God at that moment. And the last couple months before my sobriety, I was, you know, on the streets, you know, showering in gas station showers, always hungry. And I heard God say, you know, and this is where my life changed. I heard God say, walk to your daughter's house.

This pivotal moment, this another moment of clarity, a spiritual awakening, whatever you want to call it. You know, walk to your daughter's house. And this little girl's 19 years old. She has her own apartment, her own car, her own job.

Here comes her homeless, cracked out mom with all her tweaker shit. And, you know, I knocked on this door and she answered. She said, What? You know, and I went, oh.

And I said, I need a safe place to detox. You know, and that little girl, she gave me an ultimatum at that moment. And she said, You use your drink one more time, mom, and I'm done with you. I swear to God, I will disown you.

I will not call you mom. I will not have anything to do with you. Like, I can't keep watching you do this. And I remember at that moment her the sincerity in her in her heart, right?

And the I knew I had a chance. I knew I had a chance to rebuild this relationship. And that's all I wanted in the sobriety. But I can honestly tell you, I had no idea if it was gonna happen.

I had no idea if I was gonna be able to stay sober. I mean, I'm the girl who fucks everything up, right? I'm the one who raises their kids with fear. I'm the one who can't even hold a job down.

I'm the one who can't keep a boyfriend or beloved, or you know, I can't. All I really wanted in my heart was to make her proud. And he let me detox on her couch, and I would wake up to like little notes saying, Mom, call these places, you can do it. I believe in you.

And um, I still have those notes in my big book today. This part always, I always want to cry because like honestly, God and her, like her opening her door to me, like saved my life. It was just such a dark time for me, you know, and her and my mom and everyone else. I never had a phone out there when I was loaded.

I would always ride my bike over to my mom's house and like leave a note on her door telling her I was alive. She still has those notes too. She just told me the other day. I would tell her, like, I'm gonna get sober soon, I promise.

And as I was detoxing on her couch, I tried to get in these programs and I couldn't. For some reason, it was just so hard for me to get into a detox. So I ended up detoxing on her couch for like seven days. I have a sister-in-law who was sober at the time too.

My sister-in-law would come over and take me to the store to get clothes, or um, she actually found me a place called Gabe's Homes, and it was part of the church I was affiliated with when I was sober the first time. And this place, Gabe's Homes. There was one women's house and like three men's houses, and um, it was called Gabe's Homes because the pastor's son um died of an overdose, and he opened these homes just to help other drug addicts and alcoholics. And uh I remember um moving into the sober living, but it was more than a sober living.

I'll tell you what, the house manager like I wasn't allowed to work for the first 90 days. I was seriously like incapable of talking in full sentences or making any sense. But I remember moving in there and she said I wasn't allowed to go anywhere by myself. I mean, and this place was in the middle of where I used to get loaded, right?

And I remember um moving in there and I still had a hymn on the side, not the hymn from the high desert, but another hymn, another like drug dealer guy. And the the for me to move in this house, I had to commit to no boys, no sex, no dating for nine months. And I remember looking at this lady and are you serious? She goes, Julie, that's your downfall.

You put all your eggs in these guys' baskets, they're always gonna disappoint you. Like, you really need to work on you. The first 30 days, there was a couple times where I called the dude and I would sneak out and go have sex in his truck, and then he would like you know, pull out his pipe, and I would be like, What are you doing, Julie? Get out of here.

I think it happened twice. I was like a week or two sober, but I I had to have like a guy's attention to fucking feel any type of good about myself. And um, and it was so crazy that I didn't realize like really what I needed to do was focus on me, you know. The last time it happened, I was probably like two weeks sober, and he pulled out a pipe and I said, I'm either gonna get loaded right now or I'm gonna get the fuck out of this truck and get back to that sober living and do whatever they tell me to do.

And um, that was uh another pivotal moment in my life. Um, I went to that sober living. I gave it all I could. I got a sponsor right her name right away.

Her name's Kate. That woman was 10 years younger than me. We had the same belly button birthday. We ended up, you know, if she told me to pick up dog shit, it would keep me sober.

I would. I started going to um meeting every day at the same time, sometimes twice a day. You know, I was doing step work, I wasn't messing around with boys. And it's crazy how God works.

You know, he put this little girl, she was probably about 15 years younger than me. She was in her 20s. I was in my 30s, late 30s. Her name was Kelsey, and that little girl was like my pit bull.

And uh we'd go to meetings and guys would be all, hey, what's up? And she would stand in front of me, be like, She's not dating. You know, like God placed these people in my life at the right time to protect and honor like what I was striving for, you know, that no boys for nine months was her commitment to me, but then became my commitment to me. Um, I think I was about 30 days sober when it really kicked into um this is what I want.

You know, I really worked on me. And it's crazy when I did my like sex inventory, right? Some of those and the fears, and I seen the pattern of my relationships and how I got hurt, and then I became the one who would hurt and had no connection, no, it's just insane. It still blows my mind today the the pattern it showed on my four step.

That girl, Kate, uh, my sponsor, stayed my sponsor for many years, probably my first six years of sobriety. I went to women's meetings only. I stayed consistent. I got sponsees.

I finished my 12 steps. I became a pillar to the women, the new women that came to that sober living. I stayed in that sober living for 22 months. I watched girls come in and go.

I watched girls come in and die from this disease. That relationship with my daughter that was so broken. It took about a year to start healing. And I can tell you what, today she is my my best friend, my biggest supporter.

Sorry, I'm gonna cry. She's um literally everything I wanted out of this sobriety. It wasn't a man, a car, it wasn't a home, it was her, it was her relationship, my relationship with her and my son. You know, unfortunately, my son is an addict just like me, and um, he's fighting this disease every day.

Um you know, he's homeless on the streets of Orange County and 26 years old, and already's been out for about five years. So he goes in and out of jail. And what I get to be today is a um a woman of sobriety, a mom that's sober and um and not an enabler, and I had to learn the hard way with that. You know, I am I do attend another program that's affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous called um Alanon, and Alanon has really taught me that this is his journey, and I just get to love him where he's at, and I think I do that pretty good today.

I thank God that I'm sober during this time, and um I get to help him through and show him that sobriety as possible. After about, let me see, about a year of my sobriety. God placed a man in my life, and this guy in the beginning, like we were friends, and we would go, we you know, me and my sober living girls would go swimming at his house. And then about a year, he, you know, he would just do these amazing things for me, like send me flowers.

And I'll be like, Is this guy for real? I think he likes me. My friend's like, Oh, he totally likes you. Anyways, long story short, we stayed friends for a while, started dating, and you know, honestly, he courted me.

And I've never been courted a day in my life. He took me on dates, he really got to know like who my God is and what I like, and staying single and sober for an entire year. I really got to know who Julie is and really work on the little girl inside. And I'm married to this guy now.

We got married almost three years ago. We've gone through a lot of um health issues. He had a brain injury that I got I got to stay by his side throughout it and help him through that. Um, he's my best friend, he's never ever called me out of my name.

I remember when we were first together, I'm like, when is this guy gonna tell me to shut the fuck up or fuck off, bitch? Because that's what I was used to, you know. And I really had to learn what a healthy relationship was and what I can bring to a healthy relationship in a healthy way. And I did read some books and I did learn on some things, and I I really think that communication is key to any type of relationship.

And we really talked about like non-negotiables, like what are our non-negotiables and what am I okay with and what am I not okay with in a relationship? And it's all because I did the work on myself that I'm able to stand as a strong woman and alcoholics anonymous and not mold my life around a man, but bring a man into my life and knowing I'm okay with him and I'm okay without him. I have sponsies today. I have a just recently got a new sponsor a few months ago who has really opened up so many more doors for me.

It's crazy. Next month I'll be celebrating nine nine years of sobriety, and it's crazy to see the stages I have gone through in my recovery. I never stop growing, I never stay stagnant. And the moment I feel stagnant, because there can be moments, and being, you know, seven, eight, almost nine years of sobriety, it is a weird era to be in.

And I, you know, because you're not new, but you're not, you don't, you're not old, you're kind of like in your teenage years. So it it does feel kind of weird, but getting a new sponsor, going to new meetings, you know, become getting commitments at those meetings, really just evolving into something new has really um opened up so many doors for me. You know, I got to do my steps around relationships and food and alcoholics anonymous and my using and my son, and there's just so many doors that have opened because of Alcoholics Anonymous, and so many new women that come in that I'm able to help, whether they've been in suicide attempts or sexual assault, or you know, I get to be a person to show them that we are not a product of our past, right? That we get to walk shame free and guilt-free and with our heads held high.

And um, you know, I used to be that that person that never thought I could amount to anything. Today I'm a college student. I work for the County of Orange social services. I'm in the process of trying to become a sheriff.

Don't know if that's gonna happen. But I don't have a criminal background, which is insane because I definitely should. I never had the experience to go to jail. It's one of my yets.

So that oldest brother of mine and my sister-in-law, who were like pillars in my early recovery, have both relapsed these last couple of years, and it's just so sad to see what the disease has done to such beautiful people, especially my sister-in-law. Like you could look at her and just see God radiating from her soul. And today she's just sick and just super sick, and it's heartbreaking, and it just reminds me I never want to be there. So I always and I try to just do, you know, whatever I can do to never fucking relapse because I don't ever want to go back there.

And I know if I do, I'm gonna die. You know, I have um relationships today that are trusted. I have grandbabies, I'm a grandma. I became a grandma a year after I got sober, and those grandbabies have never seen me drunk or loaded, and that is something I hold super precious to my heart.

My son gave me a son that looks just like him, and my daughter gave me a daughter that looks just like her, and I really honestly believe God gave me a second chance to be the best grandma I could be because I really didn't wasn't the best of mom. Uh Alcoholics Anonymous is just the most amazing program. If you're new and you're hearing this, just trust the process. It does feel icky and it does feel weird, but just do what the people around you are doing.

Follow suit, get a sponsor, work this program to the best of your ability, get fucking honest with yourself, and doors will open. You know, with that, I'm gonna be done. Thank you so much for letting me share. Thank you, Julie.

SPEAKER_00 36:28 No idea. What's up? I said I have no idea how long I went. That was perfect timing.

It was absolutely perfect. Okay, great. Um, okay, let's start with two pieces I think go together. I would love to hear more about your higher power and the progression of that over the last nine years, or even more, because you came more than nine years ago.

So I imagine that that's um changed. And then you also talked about just the many stages of sobriety when you were talking specifically about nine years in. So I'd love to hear about both higher power and the stages um that you want to talk about. SPEAKER_02 37:16 Okay.

So we'll start with the higher power first. You know, I was raised Catholic, had a punishing God who was um scary. And when I got sober and I heard, you know, that first God voice I heard was your whole life was a pity party, it was super uh unknowing to me, um, but I knew it came from somewhere, right? Uh I can say from that first time to uh me relapsing in 2014, uh God was there, but it it wasn't he wasn't first in my in my life.

He wasn't, right? The the boys came first, the relationship came first, but I knew he was there. And when I chose to relapse, I remember thinking to myself, I just told God to fuck off. And when I got sober in 2017, you know, this time in sobriety, and I lived in that sober living, it was a Christian-based sober living, right?

So I started going to church. I remember anytime I was in worship or listening, I was crying because I felt, right? And we're always not gonna feel it. We're always not gonna feel God, we're always not gonna hear God.

Well, you know, but I felt and I felt and I felt. And I think that started my relationship with God, like a personal relationship with God, right? And as you know, the years started going, there's been stages of I'm super connected, and then there's stages where I feel like I can't even pray right. And my son being an addict and on the street has brought me even closer to God.

I can say I'm a Christian, but there's some things I don't agree with. There's some political things I don't agree with, but I do love the the God of Jesus Christ. I do pray to that God, but I also believe that it is more inside my heart. And my son being on the street has brought me closer, right?

Has gotten me to the next level. I feel getting on my knees, not telling God what to do, but praying for his will and the strength to carry it out. I never had a relationship with God where I feel comforted, I feel um safe, and it's just evolving. It's just it just keeps getting bigger, I feel.

Yeah. So that's that on God. SPEAKER_00 39:51 Uh you said that you never felt safe with a higher power. I'm assuming until now was the second part of that.

Okay. Correct. What does that look like? Um, like logistically, day to day, is there has that progressed over the years of sobriety?

I know when we're new, the sponsor is like, just get on your knees. And and that often turns into something of our own after a few years. Has that been the case for you? SPEAKER_02 40:23 Yeah, so I think with my son being an addict on the street has brought me to a new place with God.

And I feel like seeking or me just seeking. And you said about the safe thing. There's times where I have to suit up and show up. I have to go to work, and there's times where I feel like my son's dead.

There's times I don't know where he is and he's a missing person, right? That safe feeling comes in when I know that that God has him, right? The same God that saved me is gonna save my son. The hope I have in my heart can only come from a higher power.

How do I suit up and show up every day knowing my son's out there on the street dying? And I think with doing the sister program of Al Anon 2 has really brought a new meaning to that as well, has really brought it closer. When we're living our life on our own will, right, we don't feel safe. When I was out there on the street, homeless, like there was no way I felt safe.

And even though I did believe in a God because of my childhood and growing up and knowing that there was a God, I didn't feel like God was with me, even though He was. And now being sober, and the longer I've stayed sober, I have this new relationship with God that's just comforting and safe. And you know, I trust it, and all my worries and fears go into that. SPEAKER_00 41:54 If if that does that make sense, yeah, actually, I think it's really I'm having a profound moment of realization, which happens when I do recordings, and then of course I forget about the aha moment and until I do my cosmetic edits.

But here it is right now, an aha moment. Um, you talked about so I tell people when they're having trouble with their kids, or like, well, let me back up. I am so sorry about your son. I cannot imagine how unbelievably scary that is from the core of our love for this, these other humans.

Um, so I'm glad you talked about the sister program. I'm glad that you made it clear that that has helped you manage because so now I'll back up to what I'll now say what I was gonna say, which is I tell my children and I tell people humans just want to feel safe and loved. I'm sure I read it somewhere, but you cannot feel safe and loved when you're living, this is your words. You said living our life on our own will, we cannot feel safe.

And I think that's my aha moment. It's like, oh no, we run around like wild horses and we don't feel safe. So we're distracting ourselves with substances because we don't feel safe and we can't handle that feeling. So let's get out of our mind and let's travel on whatever drug we choose, alcohol or other.

Um, in lieu of feeling safe and loved, we seek that. Um, but if we seek it with a higher power and we keep it fresh, right? We'll get bored of whatever drug we're doing if we're doing the same amount every single day. If I'm drinking one shot of vodka every single morning, that is not gonna work long term.

It has to be increased, right? If you flip it to the higher power thing, like we have to continue to increase our relationship with our higher power if we want to maintain the level of safety and love that we get when we're fully connected. And that provides us with the hope that is necessary during the dark times, which you're living right now. On one side of your life, you're living really dark times, but on the other side, you have your grandbabies, and you said they're on the way to the house right now.

So you're living the promises, and whoo! That's my overcaffeinated aha moment. I'm gonna stop talking and let you reflect on my genius. Yes, your genius.

SPEAKER_02 44:40 I love it. And that's so true. Like I have, I really have, like I just got back. Me and my husband went on a trip to Utah, you know, got to see all God's creation.

And it's really a life that I never thought I was capable of, a life that I never thought I was gonna live. It's crazy. I I recently, and this is talking about God still, is I recently, probably in the last year, I heard God one time, you know, my son, he got sober and stayed sober for about five months. And, you know, when he's on the street, I am I am worshiping, I'm praying, I'm on my knees, I'm crying, I'm just seeking and seeking, and um, you know, going insane.

But he got sober and my seeking stopped. And I heard God say, you don't seek me the same when he's hurting. I'm like, ooh, ooh, right? SPEAKER_00 45:44 Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:45 Oh my God. And so I really try to keep the thinks I try when I first wake up in the morning is is thank you, God, for waking me up another day sober. Thank you for this continual sobriety that I get to live today, this life. So I really try to keep God first and foremost in my life.

You know, my daughter asked me when I was newly sober, promise me you'll never drink again. You promise me you'll never use again. Her and I think my mom asked me the same thing. And I said, I can't promise that.

And they said, Why? And I said, Because I'm an fucking alcoholic. Like I can't promise that. But what I can promise is that I will do everything I did from day one to ensure my sobriety.

So I'll I'll I'll wake up and read my morning meditation, I'll wake up and pray, I'll go to meetings, I'll stay with a sponsor, I'll work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and all my affairs, I will sponsor other women, I will go to conventions, I will, I will do whatever it takes to ensure my sobriety. And I I promise them that. And you know, today I've kept that promise almost nine years later. My sponsor would tell me, you have a solid eight years, Julie.

Quit saying almost nine years. But it's really almost nine years. It really is. And this is the longest I've ever had sober, and I just I really can't believe it.

I can't believe Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, to live this life, to live this beautiful life that I get to live and help the people that I've gotten to help and be a pillar in some women's lives. Yeah, I love, I am in love with Alcoholics Anonymous, and I love that it was created through Bob and Bill and and God put it on their hearts, and you know, I love the history of it and and all of that. So yeah. SPEAKER_00 47:43 I love that.

I love that. Do you find that there are a lot of people with August birthdays? I find at least with the 300 and something, you'll be episode, I think, 310. There's not a lot of August birthdays that I record.

Do you notice anything in meetings about being one of few when you have your celebratory birthday cake and all that? SPEAKER_02 48:07 No, there's in my home groups. Really quick, we have two neighbors that just bought the house next to us, and they're young. They've come to find out they're in sobriety and they both have August birthdays.

SPEAKER_00 48:20 Oh, I love it. SPEAKER_02 48:22 And then my old yeah, my old sponsor has an August birthday, so we take a year every day or every year together. Yeah, I don't I don't find it rare. So I just made that up.

SPEAKER_00 48:32 Okay, we can move on. SPEAKER_02 48:34 In your world, it's rare. So I feel I feel like a gem, so that's okay. Yeah, yeah, you're a gem here.

SPEAKER_00 48:40 Good. Now somebody's gonna look at the data and be like, Tara, there's the exact same number of August in other months. I just made that up. Okay, we'll we'll move on.

Um, I just have a few more. So you had talked about a lot of self-hate uh and suicide attempt, and just you didn't elaborate on it, but you barely touched the surface of how traumatic your physical and mental abuse was at the hands of other sick men. Have you sought or do you seek outside help? The book talks about outside help.

Um, is that is that something that you find um that you can be a resource to other women in the same situation? And now that I'm asking this question, I feel like you already said that you are uniquely positioned to help other women. You want to talk about your sponsor, sponsee relationship and or outside help, depending on your comfort level. SPEAKER_02 49:44 Well, with um all the traumatic stuff I I've been through and put myself through, really that's where it comes from is me putting myself in positions to get hurt because I felt I deserved it, right?

I felt subconsciously like this is the only thing I'm gonna get. This is the only type of love that is gonna be provided to me. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder, and I have seeked outside help. I I don't take medications.

Um, I really feel like Alcoholics Anonymous and my God has really put me in a healing position to where I don't feel like those diagnoses are me. I feel like they were a part of me. However, my post-traumatic stress disorder can definitely flare up. But through therapy and stuff like that, I have I do have tools to manage it.

But there are definitely outside help was needed in the beginning. Um was definitely needed in the beginning of my sobriety um to learn how to cope with the anxiety and the PTSD because it was so it was so untreated. You know, but there can be times like for instance, um God, it was just the other day, you know, I have a so there was one time when I was loaded and me, my I was with my son, and we were riding bikes around town, and I pictured him falling and a car running over his head. Like this is part of my PTSC.

And not only picturing it, but feeling every emotion and everything that would come along with that, right? I had to stop, I had a full-blown panic attack. It was just, it was awful. Now that's untreated, right?

So now I'm treated. I have tools. The other day I was with my grandson and I I had a thought like that, and I started coming, and I I knew how to say what is real, what's going on right now? Is he safe?

You know, I'm able to walk through the truth today and not live in the lie, right? And who knows, maybe I was in psychosis and it was it was all part of that, but I'm able to not live in that anymore, not live in that state of mind anymore. SPEAKER_00 52:10 Yeah, that that that's really well said too. I mean, you you you're well spoken, I think accidentally, because you're not you're not a tryhard, you're just speaking from the heart, and you say beautiful things like um, you know, walk through the the truth or something like that at the end there.

I'll have to quote it, but it's very good. What I heard was that the disease can no longer trick you. Um assuming we're doing all of the things that protect us from the disease. You also said when I chose to relapse, when you were uh answering one of the questions, you used the language you chose to relapse.

I'm undecided on whether it's a choice or not, but what we do have a choice over is our behavior today. And it's all of those deposits we make into our program that keep the disease at bay. When we're not doing all those things, it can trick us into oh, I'm gonna stay here and play pool a little bit longer. You go sober friend, I'm good.

And so it it can it has better access to us. That's how I've experienced it. What about you? SPEAKER_02 53:28 Yeah, same.

And you know, the you hear the the same going around your diseases right there doing push-ups, just waiting for you to fall. SPEAKER_00 53:38 But girls don't really go around doing push-ups, so I don't love that one. But yes, it's in the parking lot doing push-ups. Yeah, if I was a dude, that's what my alcoholism would do.

But my alcoholism, her name is Victoria, she doesn't do push-ups, and she's a bitch. SPEAKER_02 53:53 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's you know, same concept, right? It's it's always gonna be there.

Like there's no cure for alcoholism, and my alcoholism sprouts out in all kinds of different ways. Like in my sobriety, when my husband had his hemorrhagic stroke, which is a brain bleed, uh, like a brain aneurysm, I didn't use or drink, however, I did shop, and my shopping got me $30,000 in debt. SPEAKER_00 54:23 Oh shit, that is some serious shopping. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 54:27 I got Botox and lip filler, and yeah, I I just went crazy because that's how I felt good, right? I wasn't, but I still had the sponsor, I was still going to meetings, I was still doing all the things, but um, I was, you know, I think a lot of fear set in, you know, with him. SPEAKER_01 54:44 Oh god, yeah. SPEAKER_02 54:45 And with that, and you know, he had to learn how to redo everything, how to learn to talk, walk, you know, he's a good person.

SPEAKER_00 54:51 That is traumatic. SPEAKER_02 54:53 Oh, it was, it was, it was scary, you know, but there was a lot of God in there and um a lot of beautiful, you know, experiences that I got to experience with him. And you know, he's living his best life today. He's he's good and all of that, and learning learning that my disease shows up in all sorts of different ways.

Like, thank God. Thank God it wasn't drugs or alcohol this time, right? And I could also throw my disease in my food, and and I I would cry, and I that's why I had to do my steps on food because I would cry and be like, I have no choice, like I have to eat that. And and I was telling my husband, if it was drugs or alcohol, I'd be loaded.

That's how it feels. Like I have no choice, and it was it was just insane. And that's what I was oh, that's that question you were talking about. Those are the stages of my recovery, right?

The the moments of growth or the the different stages I've gone through in my almost nine years of sobriety. Is like one year was the first year was really just learning who I am and doing step work on my disease and Alcoholics Anonymous and learning the program and learning my favorite color and learning, you know, what I like to do for fun, and learning who I am, and trusting and giving myself grace, and learning respect for myself, and really learning what to wear and what not to wear, because I didn't have that concept when I got sober. It was combat boots, cut-off shorts, and no bra, you know. Today it's it's not like that, you know.

I'm a presentable woman of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the second year was just learning um how to stay sober and all of that. And it's just morphed and and gotten bigger and bigger and bigger the longer I've stayed sober because I continue to do the work and to grow in the in the ways that I need to grow. And I think that's what's so cool about it, and what's so sad is that a lot of people don't give themselves that chance to grow and see the stages of growth as they stay sober, you know. SPEAKER_00 57:04 Yeah.

That's really well said. I feel like every five years there's a growth spurt that is necessary if you want to stick around, and that's between like 9 and 11, between 14 and 16, between 19 and 21, like that little those few years around those markers seems to be um a transitional time. But I make up stories in my head, I see patterns, and then I like elaborate on them in my head, and I believe it's true. Just like the there aren't that many August birthdays.

You can't listen to anything I say. SPEAKER_02 57:42 No, it's not great. SPEAKER_00 57:45 Oh Julie, this has been so much fun. I'm down to my final two questions.

Well, let me see. I have one that I'm like, we don't have time to ask, but uh, it's gnawing at me. You talked about your dad being in sobriety, um, you talked about your brother and your sister-in-law having recently relapsed, and um, that sounds both wonderful and heartbreaking that you have it in your family. Uh, do you want to talk about any of that?

SPEAKER_02 58:12 Yeah, and I I should have elaborated on my dad um more in in my story because he is such a a role model, right, in this program. Like he's my stepmom's gonna have 40 years in October, and my dad will have 40 years in April. And, you know, they tried to get me sober so many times, and I I couldn't. And it just shows me with my son, like I can't do it, he's gotta do it.

I just get to be there for him, right? And get to be a sober mom for him. I remember going to meetings with my dad as a little kid, and this is back in the 80s, and I would eat the sugar cubes and heart rolls down the meeting as everybody's raising their hand and sharing, and I would go to like AA dances and stuff. And as a as a kid, seeing that, and my dad knowing, oh my god, she's gonna be here one day, like look at her with those sugar cubes, and you know, I'm telling you, sugar and food was my first addiction before the whiteout and then drugs or alcohol.

And what's amazing about my dad is he still sponsors men, he still goes to meetings. I on Father's Day I woke up, he lives in the high desert, and I woke up super early and went out there and and hit a morning meeting with him. Because of this program, he gets to be proud of me. And I don't think there's ever been a time where he was proud of me because I was I was a wild child.

I was rough, rough to deal with. Yeah, it's a blessing that I get to be a part of this with him. And I think my first time in sobriety, I had the feeling that I had his shoes to fill. And I think it would put a lot of pressure on me.

And this time I know I just get to walk in those shoes with him in this program. That makes it feel a lot easier. Yeah. And with my brother, my sister-in-law, it's just it's absolutely heartbreaking.

And I'm mad. I'm really mad. And it's sad because my my husband pointed out my sister-in-law was the only one, you know, she was the one that was really praying for me. She was the one that was really there for me when I first got sober and got me into detox a couple other times before.

And it took me a minute to start praying for her because I wasn't willing. I'm I'm just so angry. She's not supposed to relapse in my head. She was that much of a pillar to me.

But I know that this disease is not picky, it will take anyone. And and the more I see her, the more the more I see me in my disease. SPEAKER_00 1:00:53 Yeah, that'll that's the whole mirror thing that'll piss us right off when we're really mad at somebody. It's because we're looking in the mirror and we don't realize it.

Yeah. Yeah. SPEAKER_02 1:01:07 I'm I'm at a good spot now where I am in continual prayer. And you know, I'm in a season of my life right now that I'm just walking in the heartache.

I'm learning how to walk in the heartache, and I have a lot of heartache. Life isn't always so easy, but it is absolutely beautiful. It is super hard watching my son struggle, my brother and his wife, and it is super hard to deal with. But you know, I still just suit up and show up and and be available when I can.

So yeah. SPEAKER_00 1:01:39 That just feels like um the dichotomy of recovery. Right. Um, but I feel like I need to look up that word to make sure I'm using it right.

So we'll just move on. It sounds good to me. It sounds good. It sounds good.

Yeah, it's a dichotomy. That's right, that's right. Um trying to expand my vocabulary. Um yeah, but no, I do I do love that you're able to come on here and talk about how beautiful the program is and how you're living the promises.

But on the other side of that coin, you are also walking through the darkness of being human, and it's not that dark. What is it, um, the Buddhist uh saying or like pain is necessary, suffering is optional. SPEAKER_02 1:02:26 Right, right, right. SPEAKER_00 1:02:27 Uh-huh.

Your story is an example of that, and I appreciate you elaborating. I am at the final two questions now. We're gonna pause and see if anything surfaces. So if anything you left out or anything that comes to mind and like we'll pause and see.

Are you waiting for me to talk? Are you pausing? Yes. I'm waiting for you, girl.

You can say I'm good. I got nothing. Yeah, I'm good. I got nothing.

All right, all right, all right. That's funny. That's funny. Okay.

Then we will move on to the final question for the listener who is suffering. What do you want to leave them with? What message would you like to leave them with? SPEAKER_02 1:03:12 Oh my god.

No pressure. Yeah. Take your thinking and throw it out the window and rely on the other women around you to think. The women in recovery, the women who are doing the deal.

I think that was one of the best things I could have ever done for myself is removed my thinking. Did not, I did not trust my thinking. I knew my thinking got me drunk or loaded, and I relied on everybody's thinking. My decision making was on pause for about a year.

Yeah. You know, until I started making good decisions on my own, is that's when I started trusting myself. Yeah, get a sponsor, do the steps. SPEAKER_00 1:03:54 For more information, read the first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or visit keepcomingback.net.