vol 284. Recovery isn’t Convenient with Adam E.

SPEAKER_00 0:08 I'm here to bring you the voices of its members. Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA. As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest. SPEAKER_02 0:25 Hi, my name's Adam.

I'm a sensitive alcoholic. My sobriety date is March 29th, 2019. Where to begin? Well, I believe that I have always been an alcoholic.

Ever since I can remember, I've always wanted what other people have. I've never been willing to work hard enough to get those things. So I would lie, cheat, steal, manipulate. I've always felt differently, I think, than most people.

You know, I've always kind of felt separated, like I didn't belong, like I haven't had a place. The first time I drank, I was 11 years old. And I had met a girl that I liked. She was older than I was.

She got me a six-pack of coors. And I grew up in Chicago. I remember being 11, realizing that for some reason you could not get coors in Chicago. It was a special thing.

So she got me a six-pack. I knew she was getting it for me. And I remember thinking, I have heard that if you drink through a straw, you'll get more drunk and drunk faster. So I have yet to really experience alcohol on any level.

And I'm already planning on how to get more drunk and get drunk faster. So I drink five of those beers through a straw and end up puking all over this girl. So that kind of is a flash forward to what my drinking career is going to look like. It doesn't end well.

I remember going to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. They read some of the doctor's opinion, and in the doctor's opinion, they talk about not being able to stop at one. And that's something since I can remember, since I was 11 years old, I have never been able to stop at one of anything. One hit, one drink, one pill.

You know, I hear people share and they talk about how they drank because when they drank alcohol, they felt like they belonged. And I don't believe that's the case for me. For me, it was really more about I no longer cared what other people thought, which took up a lot of space in my head. Right?

I I was always so locked in on how people thought about me, what people felt about me, being liked, being loved. And when I introduced alcohol, I no longer cared. I didn't care what you thought of me. I don't care if you like me.

And and for me, that was very freeing. You know, I guess they we talk about these traumas and these tragedies that we have growing up. I I come to look back at that stuff as at this point in my life as growing experiences, right? Those things make me uniquely qualified to help, in particular, another alcoholic, maybe that no one else can, right?

Maybe be able to reach one person because of my experience and these things I've been through that no other person would be able to reach. My dad left before I was born. My mom got remarried to not the best guy when I was very young. He was okay.

Wouldn't say he's abusive or anything, just they did not have a great relationship. And my relationship with my mom because of that was very codependent, which is a big part of I've realized about my alcoholism and my character defects is codependencies. And so I really spent most of my childhood taking care of my mother. And I come to realize as I got older that I was more of her husband in that way than I was her son.

So I mean, for instance, this is, you know, I'm 55 years old. So when I was about eight years old, I remember my mom, back in the day when you could do this sort of thing, would write me a note and would say, please give my son Adam two packs of Marlboro Light 100s. And I would walk to the gas station, hand them a note, hand them money, and they would hand me cigarettes. I look back at that now, and and it seems quite crazy.

And I can only imagine like now how that would go over, right? But but these are the things I would massage my mom's feet, I would do these things, and it developed this really this codependency, right? And then once I drank, I felt freed from a lot of that. Alcohol worked, and it worked right up until it stopped, right?

And it relieved some of the anxiety and pain. I felt different also because I didn't have a father. All the kids had soccer games, and my mom had a lot of health issues. So at a very young age, I was doing things on my own.

I was cooking my own food. We call it latchkey kid, right? Uh, it wasn't necessarily because my mom was at work, which she was a bit, but it was more that she was in bed a lot. So I had to take care of myself at a very young age.

You know, after I started drinking at 11, and I I think back like it worked, but I always drank so much so quickly, and this is my entire drinking career, that I I would go from zero to just a mess in a very short period of time, and and and and things a lot of the time would not go well. So we we moved through high school, and um my drinking and drugs increased, and and my partying increased, and I didn't do well in school. I have some probably what we call ADHD now, and school was very difficult for me. I felt like all the other kids were much smarter and things came much easier for them, which was very frustrating, which fed into my drinking and drug use, which kind of always went hand in hand.

You know, I mean, I would uh mostly use drugs so I could continue to drink. So it was an avenue of if I drank the way I drank without drugs, I wouldn't be able to continue to do so for too long. I never graduated high school. I went through all the years.

I I think I ended up like one credit short of actually graduating high school. But I was very fortunate that once I got out of high school, I got a good job in the entertainment industry. And at 19 years old, I became what they refer to as a grip. And that took a lot of my time.

A short day on set would be about 12 hours. And so, you know, other people would drink at work and I would try to do so, and and I was just really bad at my job. And a lot of what I do is being over people's heads and safety issues, and I just wasn't very good. So I never really drank at work, just for the fact I couldn't understand how could people could drink and and still be good at what they do.

It was just bad and it was embarrassing. My job took up so much of my time, 65, 75 hours a week, that I guess in a way my drinking was limited just because I would have about 10 hours off most of the time. I would drink on the weekends and hang out with friends, and and so we kind of moved forward from 19 years old, and and I end up moving to California from Chicago where I grew up, and I end up living in a place right off like uh Main Street in Santa Monica, and and there's all these bars on this little strip. And I go to this bar and and there's a girl I like, and she's the bartender and one of the waitresses.

And I remember thinking, if I date this girl, I can get drinks cheaper, but more, it was faster. When I walked into the bar, by the time I sat down, I wanted to have a uh a beer and a shot in front of me. And I felt like if I date this girl, this is what I will achieve. You know, it's just interesting how the alcoholic mind works, right?

Like this is this is my goal. How do I manipulate? What do I do to get this? And I end up dating this girl, and and she ends up getting pregnant, and we end up getting married.

So there I have a hostage at this point. My first wife was a wonderful lady, and she put up with a lot. I I was not a great husband. After we had her son, I was a good father for the most part.

Well, not really. Let's be clear. I wasn't even that great of a father. My alcoholism manifested itself in a way that I just couldn't put anyone or anything ahead of myself and my my alcohol use.

I would do things that I look back now and are just so shameful and and reprehensible. My wife continued to be a bartender, so she would work and on like Saturday nights, so I'd be home alone with my son. My son is two years old, maybe two, and he was a very good baby. He slept through the night.

So I remember she'd go to work, and I would be like, Hey, I'm gonna go to the bar. You know, the bar is only a few minutes down the road. My son sleeps through the night, and and you know, what could go wrong? Right?

And and I think about that now, and it's just crazy of all the things that could go wrong, that I would leave my son at two years old in his crib to go to the bar. And if you ask me now why, like, why would I leave? Why wouldn't I just get alcohol and stay there? I can't even answer that question.

You know, I don't even know why I left. Uh and I look back, and there's so many things that could go wrong and put him in such a vulnerable, dangerous situation, and and I did that right up until she figured it out-ish, right? Like she knew I had left at some point, and I I think I just manipulated and lied my way through saying, you know, I just ran to the store to get cigarettes or something ridiculous, but I but she knew that I had left, right? And and and I believe on some level she knew that I went to the bar.

And so that's the only reason that I I stopped even doing that. I would have continued to do it like as I did anything until I got caught. And then we had my daughter a couple years later. My wife continued to work on Saturdays mostly during the day at this point, and we're living in Santa Monica, and and I would it's just so insane, you know, the insanity of alcoholism.

And and I would take my daughter and my son, they would be in the backseat, and I would go to some random parking lot to meet my drug dealer. Again, what could go wrong, right? In my head, he's just some guy that I know, but who knows what could happen. She's being watched, what the situation is, and I would have my babies.

They're too young to really remember to be able to say anything. I remember thinking these things, right? The things that could go terribly, terribly wrong. I don't know.

I just look back at that stuff now and I just think of like what what grip, right, that alcoholism had on me. Because, you know, what I've learned is that when we speak of drugs and alcohol, it's the same thing. Right? I this is an AA meeting, so I'll refer to alcohol, but it's all the same drive, you know, medicating how I feel, changing the way I feel.

It is all to achieve the same goal. And and as my drinking progressed, so did my poor behavior. I remember on their seven-year wedding anniversary. I didn't remember, it was me and my wife's seven-year wedding anniversary, and I was with another woman.

And then I realized like halfway being with this other woman, that it's my anniversary with my wife. And I thought, oh shit, oh no, what do I do? Oh, I better, and I ran to like Ralph's, like some store at 10 o'clock at night and bought some just crappy flowers and some stupid card without even remembering that it was our wedding anniversary. I mean, at this point, you know, I'm probably in my mid, late 30s, late 30s, and uh almost early 40s, and and I can't remember our wedding anniversary.

I've come to realize that God, my higher power, which I refer to as God, which I could not always do, was not always the case, has always been there for me. So my first wife, unfortunately, uh in 2016 gets diagnosed with stage four colon cancer. And uh it is very progressive by the time we figure it out, is metastasized to her whole body, into her spine. She'd been walking around, her back had been hurting her, and it ended up being the cancer eight, her L5 from the inside out.

So she's walking around with a uh a broken back. This is where a realization of how God was working in my life without me even realizing it. Because when she got diagnosed, we went to this first doctor's appointment, and they seemed to think it wasn't that bad initially, and that they'll do some, you know, maybe a little chemo around, do a little surgery, and everything will be fine. So then I go to work her next appointment, and and that's when they found out how progressive they do a scan and it's everywhere.

And she calls me hysterical on the phone. And I'm at work, so I step offset, and all she's she's hysterical, and and I remember her just saying, I'm going to die. It's everywhere. And I remember me going, What are you talking about?

What do you what do you mean it's everywhere? The doctor said this, and the doctor said that, and and she's I I just can still hear her saying that. I'm going to die, it's everywhere. At this point, I I head is spinning, I don't know what to do.

And so the one thing I decide in that moment is that I I've not been a good husband or good human being to her. I I have to do something. So with the with the colon cancer, things would happen. She'd have to go to the emergency room, and and you know, and and let's be clear, in my life, I never put anyone ahead of myself.

Right? So this is how God was working in my life without me even realizing it. I always put me, no matter the situation, I put myself first. And and there were a couple times where you'd have to go to the emergency room, random things would happen.

When you're going through chemo and you have uh colon cancer, you she'd end up having to go to the emergency room sometimes. There's a couple times where I tried to drink. My daughter is a competitive cheerleader at this time. I had a cheer banquet, and I go to the bar and I get a beer and I drink two sips of the beer and I get a call from my wife, my mother-in-law, saying that my wife has to go to the hospital.

And so when she was on chemo and sick, there's a lot of medications she's on. So I ended up having a notebook with tabs so that when she went to the emergency room, I could tell them what medications and what chemo drugs she had. It was like a whole thing. And so the first time I tried to try, I had a couple drinks, that happened.

I'm like, oh shit. So I went, right? You have to be able to give them a lot of information. And then I tried to drink one other time.

I tried to drink again, let's just say. And same thing happens. I get a phone call, she has to go to the emergency room. And I remember me thinking, even at this point, like, what I how can you, you know, how rude that your cancer is getting in the way of my alcohol and my drinking, right?

But that was God intervention. Right? That's how I view it now. Then I started thinking, well, maybe every time I drink, she goes to the emergency room.

Maybe my drinking's related to it. You know, you start thinking crazy. Like she was diagnosed, three and a half months later, she she ends up passing away. That entire time was the only time in my life for those three, four months that I did not drink or use drugs.

And that is a miracle, truly a miracle, as not something I would ever do or could do on my own. And that was God working in my life without me even knowing it. And thank goodness, because I I was able, at least in that period of time, to be there for her and make her feel safe, right? Things were progressing well with her cancer, and we end up going on vacation up to my uncle has a farm up in Oregon, and it's Father's Day weekend, and you know, now it's 2016.

We go up there, we have a great day hanging out with the kids, having dinner. She gets a headache. Uh, we're there Friday, Saturday night, we have dinner, she's okay. She starts to get a little bit of a headache, and and the headache turns very bad and starts to progress to become much worse, right?

And I get to a point where I realize something is seriously wrong, and we're on a farm, we're out kind of in the middle of nowhere, hard to get to. And so I end up calling 911, and I'm on the phone for 31 minutes and 32 seconds, helping them to get to where we are. It took them quite a while to get there, and and they get there, and and I look back now and and and understand that she by the time they got there, she was unresponsive. So they get there, and and I'm hysterical.

I don't know. And luckily, there was a caretaker at my uncle's farm who had my children in another part of the house where they weren't around, thankfully. They didn't have to witness, you know, because we're in the bathroom, and and and then they we we go to a hospital, and it's one o'clock in the morning, and it's on Father's Day of all the days. And nurse comes in and says that your wife has had a massive brain hemorrhage.

Like, okay, what do we do? How do we fix it? I go, well, first I let me speak to a doctor. Like, well, the doctor does it in here, he's at this other hospital, but he looked at her scans.

So the two things that we can do is make her comfortable until she passes away here, or we can move her to the next hospital where the doctor can physically examine her. And at this point, I'm still in shock. She needs to be physically, so they literally load her back up onto an ambulance to go to this next hospital. The most surreal situation I you can imagine.

I mean, I could ever so now they're like and she's completely unresponsive. And they put her back in this ambulance and we go to the next hospital. The doctor physically examines her and says she's had a massive brain hemorrhage. There is there's nothing that we can do.

I'm like, what there's gotta be something. There's nothing. It has shifted her brain in such a way and compressed her brain that for the most part, at this point, she's brain dead. At that point, I'm like, we need to at least keep her on machines until her family can get there.

So so now there's no adult in the house. Right? And my wife passes away, and now I have this trauma, this thing to drink over, which I didn't even need an excuse to drink. Like my wife passes away, my daughter is seven, my son is nine, dies on Father's Day.

Well, now my drinking just accelerates exponentially, and took me to a very, very dark place within the next two years. And that's when I started drinking so much. That's when I started hiding booze, and I would drink beer just to cover up the smell of whiskey, and and I started blacking out, and I meet you know another woman, and we start dating, and it becomes serious down the road, and and I I'm now I'm just blacking out and and getting in fights with perfectly lovely people at parties. My wife, my my girlfriend at the time, now my present, my new wife, was very social.

We go to parties, and I and I used to always think blacking out was passing out. And then come to realize like blacking out is you're perfectly functional, you just don't remember the things that you do. And and I would do terror, I would attack her, I would attack people at these social events and and not remember any of it. I couldn't admit that I didn't.

Remember it because now then I have a serious drinking problem. And so I would just apologize for these things I really didn't remember. And at this point, I'm in so much pain and I'm so overwhelmed. All right, and now I'm a single father with a seven and nine-year-old.

Uh I I didn't have any other tools or solution of how to manage but to medicate. And and I would continue to manipulate people. Now I had this new tool, right? This new manipulation.

People felt sorry for me because I just lost my wife. And I would use that. I would call it literally call it the dead wife card. Like just so these things that reprehensible, and to even say that out loud is just like it makes me sick to my stomach.

But I would get people to come watch my children because I worked a lot of hours. So I could say I'm working till three in the morning, even though I got off at midnight and go to the bar, and people would come and watch my kids, even though they had to go to work in the morning and I didn't care. I could continue to behave in the manner I wanted to, manipulating other people. It got really, really dark.

And you know, my children, even at that age, my son was a little bit older, my daughter, especially within those next couple years. They, I mean, they were they were getting scared of me. I would drink and I would drive and I would put them in danger. And so it got to a point to where my girlfriend, my my wife now at the point at the time had had enough.

And no one in my life had ever stood me up. No one had ever said this is enough. We're done. I'd always been able to manipulate everyone to be like it's gonna be fine, I'll do this, I'll do that.

And and she had given me an ultimatum of not drinking, and well, I could limit my drinking, which is hilarious. And it didn't go over within two days. I broke that promise, and and she held me to that promise. And I just was like, Oh, I just had a couple more than we talked about.

And to her, it was unacceptable. And so now she had said, I'm gone. When my first wife passed away, I never thought I would ever meet anyone that could love me or my children again. And now, within a short period of time, I've met this woman who loves me and loves my children as if they were her own.

So now I'm faced with this decision. Do I get this shot at this life and my tree and life for my children that I never thought I would get again, or do I continue to drink? And I remember sitting at my desk in my uh uh bedroom. And at this point, let's be clear, things are not well.

I am not showing up to work. I I feel awful. I'm throwing up every morning, like I look terrible. You know, I mean, things have progressed to where I'm just drinking such huge amounts and doing cocaine so I can continue to drink that I look I'm 260 pounds, like I'm well overweight.

So I'm looking at this reflection of myself in my computer monitor, going, This is my decision. And and she had left, and I got her to talk to me finally after four days. And and I remember me thinking, like when she came over, I'm gonna give her all this bullshit, like how I'm gonna control my drink. And I let's be clear, I know nothing of Alcoholics Anonymous.

These words that I'm thinking I'm using back then, I didn't even realize were connected to Alcoholics Anonymous in a way. She comes over and she looks at me and says, What? And I've been looking in that monitor before, knowing like I have a I have a serious problem, something's wrong. And this whole line of bullshit I was gonna tell her, I just looked at her and I said, I have a serious drinking problem.

I'm an alcoholic. I don't know what to do, but I want to get help. And she'd been saying no, no, as far as our relationship, and now there was a maybe. So I remember me thinking, okay, great, I got a maybe, you leave.

And I have a cousin who's an alcoholics anonymous, which I didn't know much about. I call him at one o'clock in the morning, crying hysterical. I don't know what to do. You gotta tell me I'm I'm all fucked up.

I'm about to lose everything. And this is what my cousin said. He'd been about seven years sober, I think, at the time. He said, You need to find a meaning of Alcoholics Anonymous in the morning.

You need to get a sponsor, and you need to get other men's phone numbers. That was my turning point, right? That was that was the catalyst right there. Like, this is my moment.

And I remember me thinking, this is it, bro. This is it. You gotta, this is your chance. You got one, you're gonna go in one of two directions, and and one direction is is really, really bad for you and your children.

And so that's what I did. I I went to a place in the San Fernando Valley called the the Valley Club, 9 a.m. meeting. I had no idea what to do, was terrified.

And I just did what my cousin told me to do. I went to the meeting, I ended up sharing at the meeting. I was uh a mess crying, begging for help. A man came up to me after, and I remember him saying, I'll be your temporary sponsor.

And and I look back and I find that funny. He said, temporary sponsor at the point. I talked, like, what's this temporary sponsor saying after a while? I was like, I just say that not to overwhelm you guys, all right?

Which I thought was very funny. And I got people's phone. I started doing the steps, getting into the work, reading the big book, reading the 12 and 12, going to 90 meetings in 90 days, you know, doing the things that my sponsor told me to do. Uh on March 29th, 2019.

And and I feel very fortunate that since then I have not had a drink, a drug, or a pill. I feel very lucky and fortunate that I have one sobriety day. You know, I got sober at 49 years old. I don't use that to brag, but I use that to say I had hit what my bottom was, and and I did these things.

So I got a sponsor, I started doing the steps, I went to meetings. The first year, I wasn't the best member. My my sponsor is very sweet, man, my first sponsor, and I could manipulate him a bit. So I kind of screwed around the first year.

So by the end of that first year, I was absent from drugs and alcohol. And my definition of sober for me is not being absent from drugs and alcohol. It is having an emotional balance in my life. I mean, and so now I am running through life, and the first few months got better because I removed drugs and alcohol from the situation.

Things automatically get better. But then after a few months, the consequences for my actions and these feelings, and and you know, we refer to as the pink cloud. And my new sponsor, uh, I have a sponsor who refers to says, I hope you have a pink parachute when you come down off of that pink cloud because you're gonna crash. And and so after that first year, I I had been kind of half-assing.

I got through to maybe step four, and took me a year to get there, and and I was not in a great place. I was angrier than ever, and and now COVID hits, right? And and things are just shutting down. And now my sponsor is an older guy he doesn't want to meet in person on Zoom, and and I can't really do the Zoom thing at that time, especially, just didn't work for me.

I didn't understand, I needed to be around physical people, and so there was a place called the table that I had heard about, and then they were fundamentalists, they referred to them as and they scared me, and I knew a lot of the guys, and they all terrified me because I was afraid I had to do some shit, and I didn't really want to. I wanted to keep kind of doing things my way, and that doesn't work, right? And so I end up walking in to the table, it's a small clubhouse, it's a Sunday, and I go into the meeting, and there's four guys, and it's a meditation meeting, and I think, oh meditation meeting. If this, but it's such a small place, like there's three people, they see me, I can't leave.

And so I sit down for this meditation meeting, which I just think is the stupidest thing ever. And at the end of that meeting, a man walks up to me and he says, Hey man, who are you? I'm Adam, hey, you want to sit down and uh let's read the book together? I'm like, Well, I I already got a sponsor, you know, I don't really need a sponsor.

He's like, I didn't say anything about sponsoring. Let's just come on, let's read. Right? And I just said, Okay.

A lot of it was because he intimidated me. He's a big intimidating guy, right? I'm like, okay. And that was the moment where my life really changed.

Because I learned what he referred to as fundamentalist alcoholics synonymous, which we trust God, clean house, help others. You know, there's always that a triangle symbol of hey, that's my triangle, right? Trust God, clean house, help others, in particular, help other alcoholics. The interesting part, now it's COVID, everything has shut down, except this clubhouse was the only place that was open.

And I had plenty of free time. And I remember me thinking, I'll work with this guy at first until COVID ends. It's how long can it last? And and and one of the things he said to me was, give me a year of your life, I'll give you a brand new life.

I figured, well, you know, I'll do this for a while, then once the world opens up and I go back to work, like you know, we'll go back to kind of how it was. And and and God had another plan because I was able to go to meetings, book study meeting at 8 a.m., a participation meeting at 9 a.m. every single morning. And I sat and started doing the work with this man, and he taught me how to teach other people.

What he said to me is you need to promise that for me to work with you, you need to work with other people. When you get to step six, you need to start reading with guys with the intent of sponsorship. Not saying start off sponsor, but you just start reading with guys with the idea that you're moving towards sponsoring, right? That's a promise I had to make to him.

And he told me, I will teach you to teach other men because that is what we do. That is our primary purpose, because we need a new primary purpose. We need to fill the hole that drugs and alcohol filled, right? So you have God, fellowship, and keeping my side of the street clean and helping other people, alcoholics in particular.

So we started doing the work and I started learning the facts about myself, right? And we got to step four, and and and I found out what my patterns were, right? These things I've been continuing to do my whole life over and over and over. And and I I got a list, you know, the way our sponsorship family works is I got a list of my character defects.

We do step four, and then during step four, we do step four and five. My sponsor writes down the list of my character defects. And I was lucky enough to have 82 character defects, then we have to write on each one of those character defects, right? So I have to write the definition, the antonym, the synonym for that, how that character defect works in my life on a daily basis, and the opposite.

So, how does it manifest itself in my life and what's the opposite of what should I do? And it helped me, helps us, helps me to identify what the character defect is and see how it plays in my life so that I can recognize it. Because the first key for me is being able to recognize this continual behavior, these patterns that I've been doing for my entire life. Because at least if you can recognize it, there's a shot at changing it.

And one of the things I learned, like, yeah, just because I recognize it doesn't mean I'm necessarily gonna do something about it, but even being able to recognize the behaviors is is advanced work because the more you recognize it, then maybe you move toward doing something about it, right? Like maybe not in the moment you behave in a forward manner or handle a situation not great, but maybe right after you go make an amends, right? Maybe also as you you progress that you catch yourself before you open your mouth and say some stupid shit um that you're gonna regret and have to make an amends to, you know. And I remember there was one character defect in particular that he gave me ignorant.

I really hated. To me, like ignorant is you're just a stupid person, right? You're ignorant because there's things I think I know what things mean. And so through the work, I did the definition, and all uh ignorant is is a lack of understanding the definition, the actual definition of being ignorant.

So how that played in my life is I I don't understand what other people are going through, right? And and being sober is not just like I said earlier, not drugs. Like I realize that I'm the problem, I'm the problem sober. At first, I thought drugs and alcohol were my problem, I removed that.

Then I come to the point to where I'm like, I'm the problem, I'm the problem sober. Like, how do I live a life that is meaningful and has some contentment in it? And how can I make myself useful to other people? And identifying these patterns and and these character defects allows me to identify like these are the things you keep repeating.

So I have some tools, and I I develop what I I carry because they talk about being spiritual, and and that's a pretty lofty idea. I don't know what that means. But what I do understand is developing a moral code. No lying, cheating, stealing.

I can't say that I never do any of those things, but at least minimize them to the best of my ability, be aware of them, make progress, be a little bit better every day. You know, just because I I've removed drugs and alcohol from my life, I'm still delusional. I have some understanding after going through the steps, and now I sponsor men, which is a huge part of especially my sponsorship family. To me, that is the key for any kind of long-term sobriety.

Every person I've seen that has long-term sobriety have continued to work with other men because it keeps me grounded, keeps me in the work, keeps me seeing like this is what I can get back to. Because when you get your life back, you get I got my life back, I got a big life, I got all the things. Right? I mean, I got a house and a wife, and you get this big life back.

It's easy to forget what got a good. It's easy to forget what got me sober because those are the things that will keep me sober. And if I don't continue to do those things, I will go back to drugs and alcohol. It's just, it's alcohol is it's just getting stronger.

It's waiting for me. I I can easily just start saying, well, I don't need all those meetings. Do I need four meetings a week? Do I need two?

Do I really need to go to a meeting every week? Like, this is the progression, right? I've got to be very careful. Like, I don't need to meet with this guy, you know, because there's another thing my sponsor says that I love is service starts where convenience ends.

So if something is convenient, if something works into my schedule, it's probably really not service. Do I really need to go all the way out here to pick this guy up, take him to a meeting here, and then take him back there? You know, I got four kids and I have to work and blah, blah, blah, blah. Yes, I do.

I have to do these things if I want to stay sober and not just absent from drugs and alcohol. That's not sober for me. If I want to have some peace in my life and some contentment, and not to let this thing in my brain run me ragged, it's a simple thing, like, what's God's will, right? We did we talk about that in meetings of people, God's will, God, I don't know what God.

That's another lofty concept that I'm not that smart to understand. But the one thing I always fall back on is doing the shit that I don't want to do, right? So if there's something I really don't want to do, I probably should do it. That's God's will.

And if I'm in a situation where I don't know like what decision to make, I always say, well, just don't be a dick. That again, right there. If I'm just not a dick in this situation, it's very simple, it's practical, I can apply it. If I'm just not a dick, that's probably what I would refer to as God's will.

And and so I got that brand new life. I've been sober six years. I have children that want to be around me, I have stepchildren that want to be around me, I have a son who is terrified of me, who, when I come home, comes out of his room. I would uh my one daughter who would pretend she was asleep when I got home.

And and and she wakes up if I'm not there, she calls me. I have two, I call them, I don't like to call them, but they're my stepchildren, non-biological children, who one couldn't be in the same room with me a year sober, who calls me anytime she's in trouble, and she's still got her father in her life, who's a great guy. But because I make her feel safe and protected, she calls me. When her car breaks down, if she needs something, she calls me.

Her father's a mile and a half away. My wife, she has to go on business trips, she takes me with her. She's not scared of what I'm gonna do or how I'm gonna behave. She wants to be me to be around her and not only her friends, like her work friends.

This is the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous, right? Miracle of doing the steps, of sponsoring guys. I sat with a guy yesterday, talked to two other guys that have wonderful eyes. We got to see the miracle happen for them.

One guy is 35 years old, just went to on his very first vacation of his entire life to Hawaii yesterday. Another guy, uh, we'd worked together, he went back to Las Vegas. Not only could he live back at home, but he got his own apartment. 39 years old, he got his very first apartment.

Like I get to witness these miracles, and I have some small part in it. I I get to be a channel of God and help other people, and I get to see my family flourish. 15, 16, 17, 18-year-old three girls, not easy to deal with in our house some days, but they all want to be around me, they're going to college next year, and and I'm able for the most part to just not be a dick and make them feel safe and protected. And I am thankful that I have Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'm thankful that I developed this relationship with uh uh something bigger than myself that I did not believe in most of my life. I'm thankful that God put me in a position to work with this sponsor and and I got that brand new life that he promised me. Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 40:31 Thank you, Adam. This big guy, is he still your sponsor? SPEAKER_01 40:40 He is. SPEAKER_00 40:42 Has he shared on here yet?

I don't know. I don't know if I've ever talked to him. Kurt S. What's his name?

Kurt S. Kurt S. SPEAKER_02 40:54 He's got a fucking story, man. Jesus.

SPEAKER_00 40:58 Yes, Kurt has shared on here. Kurt is episode 238. So yes, your sponsor has shared on here. But you didn't come to me through your sponsor, so I find that fun.

SPEAKER_02 41:13 No, that's exciting. Love that's this is how this works, right? SPEAKER_00 41:16 It is. SPEAKER_02 41:17 We're such an amazing community, and and you know, I travel a lot, right?

It's amazing all over the world, wherever we go. I hit these meetings. I mean, because that's one of the things I get to do now. I get to go anywhere in the world and be safe and protected.

Uh I I go to meetings everywhere, right? And I I always have some connection to people. I remember being in Paris and I found an English speaking group, and it was like I I felt so because when you get into Europe, it can get a little difficult sometimes to find English speaking meetings, and and I felt so connected to these people, and it's too Alcoholics Anonymous. SPEAKER_00 41:53 Yeah.

That's really sweet. I haven't traveled that much in in sobriety, but I did go to a meeting in Canada, and it wasn't hard to find an English-speaking one, I'm just saying. But I did find home away from home very easily. SPEAKER_02 42:13 I was six days sober, and I went to a cheer competition in Vancouver because my daughter's a competitive cheerleader has been since she was four.

She's 16 now. We traveled everywhere, and and I I went and I went to this amazing meeting, and I still talk to these guys. A guy gave me a ri daily reflections book that I still have at that meeting in Vancouver. That's so sweet.

And I went every morning. Yeah, and I thank God for that group of people. And I'm still in contact with a couple of them, you know? SPEAKER_00 42:44 Yeah.

It's a good it's a good life. You talked about having 82 character defects. That's insane. SPEAKER_02 42:53 Yeah, that's what I I don't know what kind of mood he was in that day, but yeah, I have them in front of me.

I'm looking at him. SPEAKER_00 42:58 I mean, that's just so did he collect these while you were going through step five with him? SPEAKER_01 43:03 Yes. SPEAKER_00 43:04 So 82 is a lot.

I mean, that's a lot. So that seems like it would be daunting. You talked early on about not drinking because it helped you fit in, but rather drinking because then your mind can kind of turn off and what people thought of you didn't matter. Did that come up in your character defects?

Having this this high concern for other people's thoughts of you? SPEAKER_02 43:31 Absolutely. It's it's it's probably my I mean one of my major characters. Like, I care so much about what other people think about me.

I'm such a people pleaser feel of a fear of abandonment. I mean, I can look at these patterns in my life. Like, I look back and my dad left before I was born. You know, my mom wasn't very present.

Even my first wife, she died of cancer. She left me, right? Like, I can look at all these patterns, and I have this such a fear of abandonment and Of not being loved. And so I I'm such a people pleaser that I do things that I don't want to do because I'm afraid you're going to leave me or not love me.

And then I resent you for it. Which does not bode well in relationships. SPEAKER_00 44:15 No, no, but you've been married now for a while. Um you guys have sorted out some of some of that, I imagine.

Yeah. SPEAKER_02 44:24 I mean, I mean, I, you know, I didn't follow, like you say in the first year, don't make any big decisions. I got married in my first year of sobriety. Right?

So, like, I didn't necessarily follow a lot of the things that we're really kind of supposed to do, but my present wife is an amazing human being, and and and she, you know, we have I call them alcoholic normie parties. So, like, we'll have a whole Halloween party where she invites her friends, and I invite all my AA friends, and we have this huge Halloween barbecue. SPEAKER_00 44:57 Is it dry? SPEAKER_02 44:59 Uh no, there's alcohol here.

And everyone that comes understands. Like, if you're not don't have the ability to be around alcohol, you shouldn't come. I think my last party, I had 73 people, and probably three-quarters of them was from Alcoholics Anonymous. It's pretty amazing because the idea is like we should be able to go anywhere.

Yeah. Right? Like the idea is is like not to avoid things. You can't avoid it in life, right?

I mean, for your if you're newly sober and you're not comfortable around it, then you shouldn't come. Right? But I have not had one person, and it's been doing this for years. I've never had a person say, I'm not comfortable because there's gonna be alcohol there.

Never. Because they come with YouTube with their, you know, the people that are new are coming, their sponsors are bringing them. And and there's so many AA people here. It's like it's it's so cool to see, like, and it's also to show them like this is what because I used to think, like, oh my god, if I could like how boring my life is gonna be.

This is gonna be the most boring life. Like, I remember a few months before I got sober thinking, like, why would anyone get sober? That sounds so boring. And it shows them like we have such a great time.

Like, I have a better life and I have more fun now than I ever have, by far. And I remember everything, and I don't have to apologize for things for the most part. Let's be clear. I'm not perfect.

You know what I mean? I mean, you know, I I still can say some stupid shit, but but for the most part, that is not the case, you know. And I get to see these newcomers come in and be like, everyone, we have a pool and I make ribs and brisket and and we have music, and and they get to see a little bit, this is what it can be, you know, it's what we make it. SPEAKER_00 46:43 The remembering everything and not having to make an amends, and you know, all of those things have a deeper level, right?

We don't have the shame, we don't have the regret, we don't have the secrets, we don't have the monkey on our back. So it sounds simple with oh, and I remember everything, but dot dot dot. Here is what it means to uh live life sober. It means that we don't have all of this negative weight that we're carrying around that brings down every aspect of our life like a gray cloud following us around.

Which makes having fun and being happy just at our fingertips. Maybe not happy every second of every day, but that general, maybe I should say joy, being able to access joy and peace and serenity is yeah, I like to use the word contentment. Yeah. SPEAKER_02 47:42 Because like what makes people happy, I think, kind of varies, but I think everyone kind of finds contentment in the same kind of area.

unknown 47:51 Right? SPEAKER_02 47:51 I like it too. Yeah, and and so that word for some reason I just like to use, like, I'm just that's what I'm shooting for, is to have a little bit of contentment in my life. SPEAKER_00 48:01 That word comes with like a deep breath for me.

Like, I just want to be content. SPEAKER_02 48:05 It's like yeah, right? It really does. Like, oh fuck.

SPEAKER_00 48:10 Yes, that's what I want. SPEAKER_02 48:13 And like I said, I I try to keep things very simple, right? Like I remember everything, but you're right, there's such a deeper level. So, what does that mean?

It means that I'm participating, I'm able to be present, I'm able to reflect, right? I mean, such a simple thing can have such a deeper meaning. But for me, I try to like I'm always like keep things simple, stupid. Because another character defect is overthinking, right?

And and I can overthink stuff to death. So I really and and especially when I do the steps and and work with other people, I need to keep it simple and and I for me, I need practical application. So, how do I apply this to my life? Like, how does this help me today?

And and by keeping it simple, I'm I'm able to take the steps. My sponsor would say step one through three is give up, step four through six is shut up, step seven through nine is grow up, and steps ten through twelve are show up. Very simple. I love that because I can I can understand that and I can apply that to my life.

And and most of the time, like it just I just don't need to say the thing I'm thinking most of the time. The first thing that pops in my head is probably is most of the time the thing that I should not say. Right? Pause when agitated, right?

Like such a deeper meaning for me. Just shut up, bro. Just listen. You know, be present.

Uh remember what they're saying, because especially when I first say, like, it's such a hard thing for me to like really lock in and remember what people are saying. Like someone I'll say, I'll introduce myself and they'll introduce themselves, and I've already stopped listening to them. unknown 50:00 Right? SPEAKER_02 50:00 I'm like, oh, what was their name?

Like, like that's a sign, right? Like, bro, like you're not you're not really present right there. What are you thinking about? Why why did you not even remember their their name?

Right? And I have ADHD and all these other things and terrible memory, but but the real reason is I'm not being present, right? I can justify anything. Yeah, I'm I can I can justify my behavior a hundred percent of the time if I so choose.

And that's what I love the way we do the steps is I can look back at all these character defects and I can see how they play in my life, and then I can see this is what I should do. So I literally we have a notebook. My sponsor will be like, what's the top three character defects playing in your life right now? Because it's like, you know, remember the I don't know if you've been the gopher game at arcades where you the gopher pops up and you hit him down.

SPEAKER_00 50:44 Oh yeah, whack-a-mole. SPEAKER_02 50:46 Whack-a-mole. Yeah. Well, I that's how kind of how my character defects work.

Yeah, some of the the overwhelming ones kind of vanish, right? Like the blatantly terrible ones. But for the most part, there's like whack-a-mole. Like, you know, I I knock some down, a couple other ones pop up, right?

It's kind of this, it they never go away, right? So true. That's why I have to continue to do the work because these things are going to continue to happen and pop up depending on how where I am, how my life, what's going on in my life, if things are going well, if things are going poorly. I mean, for me, when things are going poorly and are difficult, I tend to do quite well.

I tend to always kind of step up because there's there's I'm a fixer, right? There's we're at critical mass, I need to do some stuff, right? And so I can get locked in. But when I'm in trouble is when things are going really well.

That's when I can start not going to the meetings I should go to, you know, not meeting with my guys. Like, ah, when I'm in pain, I'm like looking for help. You know, another character defect, extreme laziness. I get lazy and content, and it just I just settle.

And I'm just like, bro, you you get like how many meetings you been to? What are you doing? Why? You can justify it all day long.

You need to get up and go. You need to call some of your guys. You need to have you talked to your sponsor, you know. Have you been praying?

You know, wake up in the morning. You know, I've been taught to pray and meditate every morning. Are you waking up with a prayer and you are you meditating? When I don't do that, I am working toward a drink.

It's not that far away. My my sponsor, after 39 years, will say, I could drink again today. I mean, it's unlikely. Maybe I can go a month or two without a meeting and not doing what I do, maybe.

And I love that idea that like even after that kind of time, I like the idea that he still believes like it's very possible I could drink today. It's not probable, but the farther you get away from Alcoholics Anonymous, the possible it becomes probable. And then highly likely if I'm not careful. SPEAKER_00 52:49 I too appreciate when somebody takes it seriously even after decades and decades.

It it just reminds me to not get relaxed about the disease of alcoholism. Thank you for that. SPEAKER_02 53:07 Yeah, cunning, baffling, powerful. I mean, it that that is no joke.

SPEAKER_00 53:15 Yeah. So I have two final questions. Is there anything that you're thinking of now or anything that you left out that you would like to share? SPEAKER_02 53:26 I mean, I'm sure I can come up with a whole bunch of things, but no, I mean not really.

I mean, it's it's I mean, I think we just talked about a few of them just now in these questions. Okay. This thing is is not a joke to be trifled with, and and I I have to take it very seriously. The longer I'm sober, the more serious I have to take this.

Yesterday I did not want to go meet with this new guy. In my head, I had so many other things I could be doing. It was the best part of my day. You know, talking to another guy who who, you know, went on his first vacation, like witnessing the miracles of Alcoholics Anonymous for me is is is what Kurt refers to as the good dope.

Right? Is having some small part in the witness of I mean, the one guy who went on vacation was homeless for years. Another guy homeless got his first apartment, like has had the same job for three years, and they he has a key to the place. Like these these are guys who lived in trash cans and on hills, and I'd never been homeless, like I've never gotten to that point.

But to witness these guys and be able to have some small part in that, and and and I guess the one thing, too, I didn't talk about a lot is the fellowship, right? How important that is, right? Staying connected in the fellowship is a very important aspect because I spent most of my life feeling alone and not connected to something, and so now I don't feel that, right? I had this connection to people.

I mean, all my friends are in alcoholics, except I have four best friends I grew up with that still live in Chicago, that are still probably my best friends. But besides that, everyone I know is in Alcoholics Anonymous because this is my life, right? And this is these are my people, and and it helps me to stay connected and feel connected. When they don't hear from me, they call me.

So if I start isolating, right? Because they know me. Most of them know me on a deeper level than anyone else. And so they can tell if something's not going right and call me out or if I'm behaving in a manner that I shouldn't be, right?

Hold me accountable, which is very important. Without accountability, I'm just gonna do whatever I want, no matter you know, and and that's another dangerous thing. SPEAKER_00 55:47 That was a good extra thought. Thank you.

We've come now to the final question. For the listener who is suffering, what would you like to leave them with? What what message would you like to leave them with? SPEAKER_02 56:03 Give it time for the miracle to happen.

Don't give up. All right, because initially, a lot of times we feel better. You know, initially you get some relief. And in my experience, most of the time, within a month or two, that relief goes away and and and all the consequences for our actions pop up and things get very, very difficult.

And that's the time where it's really easy to just say fuck it and give up. I've done this for two months, three months, four months, and I don't feel any better. Yeah. Well, I mean, how much time do we spend screwing up our lives?

Right? You spend all this time screwing up, you think after six months, nine months, maybe sometimes a year, depending on how what those consequences are, right? So hang in there long enough and do the work. Because if you don't do the work, you're not gonna get the relief.

Hang in there long enough to let the miracle happen and do the work, which is the 12 steps. That's it. It's a 12-step program for a reason. And not only do the 12 steps, do them in a row.

I mean, it seems obvious, but there's a lot of people that want to jump around, right? Get a sponsor, you know. So if you do these things, if you get a sponsor and start doing the work and you give it time, your life will get better. I mean, it's been around since 1939.

What else in treatment has been around to help people that long and been this successful? It works. It just doesn't work our way, and that is by design. SPEAKER_00 57:38 For more information, read the first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or visit keepcomingback.net.