vol 278. Life Happens with Blake B.

SPEAKER_00 0:01 We believe that alcoholism is a disease and that Alcoholics Anonymous is one solution to that disease. I'm here to bring you the voices of its members. Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA. As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest.

SPEAKER_01 0:25 My name is Blake and I'm an alcoholic. I'm from Long Beach, California, born and raised by a single mom, older sister. And my backstory before alcoholism entered my life. Was also raised by a stepfather.

Um was physically and mentally abused my entire childhood, but uh that doesn't make me an alcoholic. It just has a contributing factor to why I ran towards alcohol. Had like a very uh Harry Potter lifestyle. When I came home from school and everything, uh my escape to my reality of a younger child was just going to my room and being dormant in there because when I came out, nothing I did was good enough and I got in trouble for a lot of things.

Fast forward to high school, my family was going through a divorce with my stepfather because we were all molested by our uh step-grandfather, and my mom took the action to make that move to get rid of them out of our lives. But getting to the alcoholism. When I entered high school, I had my braces removed, I had new friends. I was finally getting out of my shell, and then uh one day me and some friends hung out after school, went and stole a couple of tall cans and a bottle of absolute and got blacked out drunk in the local park the next day.

I threw up, felt like shit and everything. But when I went to school, everyone was like, oh my god, dude, you're so awesome. And that's my that became my solution because I didn't like the way my life was as a young boy. I I honestly didn't even want to live much longer when I was a child, and finally I I found something that made people think that I was awesome.

And uh I ran with it. Basically drank almost every day from 15 to 18 years old, did a lot of other extracurriculars. I uh eventually got into a lot of trouble. I went to juvenile hall, I went to I got uh catastrophic leg injury, stealing alcohol with my friends after a party.

I'm one of the first people ever with an artificial artery, and all this stuff happened because of my chase for alcohol and attention during that injury. I also got introduced into uh opiates, which opiates uh took me uh definitely down the deeper end of of the disease. I gave up pretty much all of my uh younger potential to chase alcohol and opiates from 19 to 24, ended up homeless on the streets, definitely was just lost and crazy during that time, hadn't had no one to turn to other than my uh drugs and alcohol. My family turned their back on me because they needed to.

I don't blame them for that. I was the the more I reflect on my younger years, I definitely needed to just go and figure out things on my own for a while because there was no one I wanted to listen to because I never thought anyone cared. But getting to some form of AA being introduced into my life when I was uh 24 and like I said, homeless. My mother hit me up one day and was like, hey, I can get you insurance to get you into a rehab if you are willing to do so.

And I don't know what I was feeling that day, but I said yes. But she told me that I could not come until she gets it, so I just had to continue what I was doing. So a month and a half later, she calls me up and lets me know that I had the insurance and I was supposed to go to her house that day. I had a big drug and alcohol come up, and before I went to her house, I injected a lot of things and uh drank uh until I blacked out and I walked to her house and uh I couldn't detox anywhere but there before going to the rehab, and I ended up OD in front of uh my little brother and sister at the time.

They were uh 12 and 11 years old. And for me to wake up on the couch after being blue in the lips and them watching me die at that moment, I had a my first god shot, and uh I decided to take the sobriety seriously and to try AA and give it a chance. So I went to rehab for about a year, completely stayed sober, got a lot of things that the promises tell you that that you get. I uh was very stoked.

I say my first experience with AA was definitely a pink cloud sort of moment, and I was stoked that I needed that pink cloud thing. I needed something to look forward to. I needed to have good things happen to me so that I could be motivated at the time. Also, during that time, a year and a half, I met my son's mother, and uh definitely didn't know what I was getting myself into.

She only had a couple of months, I had a year and a half. I thought that I could help this woman get to a point where I was at, and instead uh it ended up being sort of my downfall at that time into AA because I just wasn't ready. My God at that time was like a Santa Claus sort of god. I just thought if I did good, good things were gonna happen.

I didn't know that life obstacles were gonna happen no matter where you're at in sobriety. I ended up having a son with her, and I had my first sponsee during that time with me and my sponsey. Uh, I was good at first, but then when life was happening with me, I was very neglectful. I couldn't be there for him, and I was just basically giving him advice on things that I just didn't understand personally, but I acted like I did.

The only reason I'm saying this part of the story is a month after I had my son and all the traumas that were going on with me and my son's mother at the time, my friend and my sponsee a month later ended up taking his life in a very uh tragic way. We found him basically in a closet, then he self-harmed himself really nasty. And at that time, also during that month, my uh son's mother had postpartum and had to move to uh New Jersey to be with her family because she just had to be closer to her family. So I needed to use again.

Um, I thought that I had done a thorough thing of like of keeping away that that alcohol and drugs were not my solution, but when life really started to hit me again, I ran back to my solution to life. So I relapsed off of weed pin and I stayed out for the next six years. During those six years, life got worse. Me and my son's mother ended up splitting.

I ended I ended up moving back across country. I've moved to Denver to sleep out of my car, I've moved to Northern California to get away. I did so many geographicals, just running away from my problem again. I just kept on using at each location different substances, anything to make me feel not the way I was feeling.

But for a while I also was maintaining it to a point. For like two or three years, I was just drinking and smoking weed and thought that maybe I was I was right, maybe people were wrong. I could do this, and I just need to have more control, I need to have a handle on it. But eventually I always uh go a little bit step further and I introduce other substances back into my life.

I dated a girl, she ended up having to resuscitate me. I probably died about seven times in one year in that lapse, and again, that still wasn't enough to get me to come back. I then eventually broke up with the new girl that I was with at that time because uh I just felt guilty that she had to keep dealing with somebody that was OD on her. So I got away from her, ended up staying away from that substance that was killing me, but uh still doing other substances, met another person, and I thought like I was in the clear, I was doing really good for this couple months in my life, was active, was just maintaining life and maintaining the things that I thought like I could do.

But then again, all my demons come up, all my struggles and everything, and I I just make everything worse. I ended up becoming a person that I just really could not look myself in the mirror. Yeah, I wasn't able to look myself in the mirror for probably about two to maybe three years. Ended up hurting another person and doing all these things because of all the pain in my heart and all the things that like I cannot focus on life without my substances, and if I don't have those substances, then I'm just a real prick and I'm a real scumbag, and I do these things to uh to escape, and nobody that meets me when I'm on my journey of alcoholism uh actually knows who I am because I still don't know who I am, figuring that out daily.

But basically again, started hurting someone, was supposed to move to San Diego and live with them, have this life, and all my demons and everything came out, and I couldn't do that. I remember driving on the freeway, and I really just w this time wanted to end my life. I was looking at the rear view mirror, and I wanted to crash into the car next to me, and the only thing that stopped me is when I looked over into the car next to me was a family, and I couldn't like hurt another person's family just because of my pain. And I'm looking crying in that rear view mirror, just being like, alright, I'll just go into the other side of the freeway.

A little voice in the back of my head, you can call it God, you can just call it my voice or whatever. I don't know what it is, but just said go back to AA, go back and try recovery. And so I did. My last sobriety date was February 2016.

This time my sobriety date is November 6th of 2024. Yeah, I have no idea that I was gonna be coming back this time around. That's definitely a different journey than it was when I first came. The first time that I came, again, I was homeless off the street, so everything was a reward.

Everything was a gift. I was stoked to just get a car, I was stoked to have a roof over my head. I was excited to have friends again, look at my phone numbers and all that kind of stuff. This time I didn't lose all those external things that I was basically chasing the last time I was here.

This time I'm here because my spirit's just been dead. Um, I do believe that alcoholism, some people say it centers in the mind. I truly believe alcoholism centers in the spirit. When my spirit is destroyed or I'm ignoring it or I'm numbing it, I'm not actually living a life.

A lot of people sit here and say, like, oh, if you continue to go on the way you were living, you were gonna die. And I'm uh usually a smart ass, and I like to always tell people we're all gonna die, it doesn't matter, but I want to live life before I die. Because I feel like I've been walking around a zombie for years, numbing out. I've been dead before I've been dead, and and it's not something that is exciting.

So this time around, I've done everything people have told me to do, and I don't do it without some reluctance. I definitely have some reluctancy still. There's 25 years of the Blake that got developed out of uh survivalism, and it's hard to let those things go sometimes, but I do check myself. I do not let myself off the hook when people give me suggestions.

Again, I do everything that I need to do to try and live a better life because the last time that I remember living a better life, I was sober, and I want to at least be a good person to the people that I love. I I need to be a good person to my sisters and brothers and my mother. If I meet anybody else along the way, that's a blessing. But the people that have been with me through my entire life, I'm basically here for myself and I'm here for them.

Tired of being a liar and a cheat, a thief, and everyone else not having uh any trust in Blake. So this time around, I definitely feel like it's more of a man going through A than a little boy. Like last time I said it was more of a Santa Claus sort of feeling. This time around, I know that life's gonna happen on life's terms.

And I just want to be a man that could walk through these things without self-sabotaging, without adding to the ripples, without causing more pain in this world because I know how much pain was caused on me, and uh the funny thing is, like eventually you become that person yourself, and you're doing it to other people, and I just really don't want to do that. I do believe in more of a yin and yang sort of god. I don't believe that you you don't get just good things from good things, you get good things from bad things too. And as long as you can switch your perspective to look at that in different situations, it's gonna help you a lot through the journey.

Uh yeah, and I I do wish uh to continue this journey. Uh uh, that's basically all I have. SPEAKER_00 15:13 Thank you, Blake. That was quick.

SPEAKER_01 15:15 Yeah, sorry. I haven't done it in a while, so I haven't retailed out as much. SPEAKER_00 15:22 No problem. It's it's all good.

I will see how many questions I can come up with that will add value. I think I'd like to go back to when you're in the car and you had the thought or heard the thought, go back to O, you know, you know, try the recovery thing again or whatnot. Can you walk us through what that looked like from that car drive to the preceding days and weeks? SPEAKER_01 15:55 I I honestly had I didn't really, I guess, put that in my share, but I had a resentment against AA and I did not want to come back.

So it definitely wasn't the voice that I thought I would hear in the moment that I wanted to kill myself again. But yes, I was driving down to Irvine trying to make things right. The person that I was talking to wouldn't let me make things right, and I just looked in the mirror and wanted to kill myself, and I heard that voice, and for some reason I heard it. Again, I I don't know if that was God or whatever, but that wasn't my solution, that wasn't my plan.

I was a bartender at the time and all these things, and I had all these plans to continue to be continue to drink, and I just knew in that moment when I looked in the mirror, because I hadn't even been able to see my own eyes in probably a couple of years, because even though I would look in a mirror, I would just look through myself. I heard try that, and then the next day I basically started hitting meetings like I've gone to rehab, I've gone to recovery, and and places like that. I really suggest that people do that if they're detoxing off of really hard stuff or they need a place at a safe haven. But to me, like I just went straight back to AA.

There's uh 7 a.m. and meetings all day long where I'm from in Long Beach, so I'm very grateful and lucky to have a place and just literally you drive a couple miles or ride your bike a couple miles any which way. There's usually meetings all day. So basically, uh yeah, I got back into AA.

I hit two to three meetings a day for I want to say the first six months of the sobriety. Yeah, and I got really honest in every meeting. Like that's just what the best thing that I could do. Like when I came here, I had to tell the rooms like, fuck you.

I had to tell them this isn't where I want to be, but I need help. I need help changing my perspective. I I said all my resentments, I said where I'm at on the days that I was craving or anything, or on the days I was ready to sabotage a God honest. That's like the biggest thing I want to suggest to like the new people coming back.

Be honest where you're at, even if you don't agree where with where you're at, because no one can help you if you're if you're in a facade of actually where you're at, and you're just trying to tell people what they want to hear. This time I listened to people, but I also had to sit there and be like, this is where I'm at, because I'm trying to get out of that mind state and continue to do this journey. But uh yeah, basically the next couple months was just me. I got I got a sponsor.

He didn't want to be my sponsor for like he he said that he wouldn't really sponsor me unless I got 40 days or 30 days. And I thought that was really rude, but it was also like sort of a motivator. It ended up working out, you know. I just I'm doing what I'm told, but I'm also letting everybody know where I'm at in that moment.

Some days, you know, you don't this isn't this isn't the bee's needs to be here. SPEAKER_00 19:11 You're young. You are in your uh early 30s? SPEAKER_01 19:14 I'm thirty thirty-three.

SPEAKER_00 19:16 Thirty-three. Okay. So you have now um I don't know how many months seven, eight, nine months. SPEAKER_01 19:27 Yeah, nine months and like a couple days.

SPEAKER_00 19:29 Do you have any relapse concerns? Are you working with steps? What does your program look like? These are my three-part questions.

So relapse concerns, steps, program. Talk to us about that. SPEAKER_01 19:44 I don't have any relapse concerns at the moment. I say that at the moment because uh again, I had a previous sobriety, and I honestly during that time I thought I was gonna be sober for the rest of my life.

And life ended up happening and and it took me out. And so right now I'm don't have any relapse concerns at the moment, but I know that life happens, so I have to keep my program strong, or I have to stay around, or I have to be completely rigorously honest to keep myself from relapsing in my program. I do the steps, uh, I'm currently on six and seven. My character defects.

I've been procrastinating, which is one of my character defects, because eight and nine are probably the ones I struggle with the most. I have I have a prideful personality, and I really hate reflecting and having to go back and make amends to the people that I've caused pain through in this last time that I was out, or even in the previous time I was out before. But I'm definitely getting the things done that I need to get done, and I'm going to complete these steps because that's a that's a goal of mine. I definitely want to get the relief.

I know that every time I do a step, I I don't know if it's like whatever, uh a weight off your shoulder or something, but it it does give you a form of relief, and I want to continue to have that happening for me. Other than step works, I just I hit at least six meetings a week. I talk to my sponsor daily. I call people that I know are in the program and I I let them know where I'm at.

I also want to hear where they're at. Don't always just be the person calling and just telling people where you're at, you know, listen to other people, have a conversation. I've got a couple commitments at meetings. I don't know if I am a believer of like everyone else where like commitments save people.

Sometimes I'm just like, this is whatever, but it does keep me going to the meeting, it keeps me involved and has me be a part of the group, which is a good thing. Other than that, I'm learning how to. Pray more. One of my resentments in life was not only myself, but I resented God for a long time.

So finding your own God in this program is very important because I can't have everyone else's God. I don't talk to God like everyone else does. Sometimes I talk to him like a human being or like like a a friend and stuff like that. I'm I'm not really good at being subservient and being like, oh, please Lord help me.

And sometimes sometimes I I curse at him and I have to, and that's just my relationship. It doesn't mean like I don't love the God that I'm finding out right now. It just means like I've got more of a brash way to get through my prayers. SPEAKER_00 22:49 I also yell at God on a regular I'm working through that Santa Claus God myself, and I think that was the most shocking thing.

And I went through a similar experience. I think that you alluded to uh you thought if if you did good, you would stay on your pink cloud and everything would go well and bad shit wouldn't happen. And then when bad shit happens, it's very shocking to the system and and you feel like you're being punished. I don't know if that's how you felt, but that was the God that I had for sure.

SPEAKER_01 23:22 No, definitely. Definitely if things are going wrong or other things. Like I used to always tell my mother or anyone that I feel like I'm God's punching bag. You know, I just will always get rocked or always take the things in my in my family, like I have the brothers and sisters and everything, but we all have trauma, and I hate to compare traumas or anything.

I've learned not to do that, but no matter what, I feel like I've always gotten the the shortest stick whenever anything is happening in life. Sometimes um I've had moments where I really hate that, and sometimes I go, like, I guess God's giving me things that I can handle, and I guess I can handle a lot, but it's that's that saying sometimes really annoys me too, because it's like I don't want to handle all this shit. SPEAKER_00 24:17 I I I can relate to that too. I I have a few children, and when I I watch one who seemingly has it tougher than the other, and it's same parents, same household, same upbringing.

But it seems like everything's difficult, and this is gonna be a silly trivial example, but one will get like on the best teams, like the best coach that'll coach for like seven years and the other one gets on these awful teams, and the coaches turn over and they quit and they fall. And it's just like what and it's like the best coachers, and that we have so many examples of these two children just three years of her experiencing life so differently before, and it seems like life is harder for one than the other, but but I will tell you the one that seems to have it harder is more resilient, and I've decided that my higher power, his higher power has more plans for him, and like he has more trials and he is more resilient, and he is going to bring more value to this world. That is how I've translated it. Not elaborating here, of course, but I wonder if there is some truth to that, to your having more resilience and a purpose behind that.

SPEAKER_01 25:37 Yeah, and uh I'm hoping for that, and that's some of the reason that I keep going. Uh I've I've probably died since the age of like being 33. I've probably died almost or have been closer to death about 10 to 11 times. And I've had friends and other things that when they die, they die.

And I I hate to say it, I've woken up from these experiences and been like, you know, fuck, why the fuck am I still here? Why didn't you take me out? I'm at that age now, like I don't want to do that to anybody around me anymore. But I definitely did not want to be here every time that I rewoke.

Like some people say that when they wake up from those experiences, they're like, thank God. And I'm when I woke up, I was like, fuck. But the thing that's keeping me going is like I have to learn the patience, and hopefully what you're foreshadowing for your little one is something that I'll experience. I don't know what I'm gonna bring to this world, but I hope it's something meaningful because otherwise it's like, why keep bringing me back, man?

SPEAKER_00 26:50 I mean, the years that you were homeless and your experience and the fact that you have had you were sober before and now you've you went out and you come back, all of these experiences are probably really gonna benefit somebody that's very hopeless. Because I imagine uh at times during those years you were out, you were completely hopeless. No hope, just just survival for you talked a couple times about changing your perspective, and you've had a couple of spiritual experiences. Can you elaborate on what you mean by changing your perspective and maybe give us an example uh of that?

SPEAKER_01 27:39 Well, changing my perspective uh I hate to say it ever since my childhood and everything, because uh I definitely got the butt of things when I was little. I was uh I was abused and nobody else in my family was abused. I was put on medications as a young boy. Basically, my stepfather convinced everybody that I was very mentally ill.

So I I used to have to go, I went from like a normal boy in my school to basically being so drugged up that I needed a helper, and all these other experiences of being like homeless, having uh gone to jail, and I went to jail because some friends framed me and all these things. I had a I had a victim personality for a very long time, and it was just always like, why me, why me, why me? And uh what helped me refrain was just like some stupid saying that like I got from some motivational speaker, and he was like, you know, if God wanted to make you a strong man, he wouldn't give you an easy life. If you ask God for the virtue of patience and all these things, he's not gonna give things to you right away.

These are the things I since I was a little boy and it felt so helpless. The number one thing I prayed for as a child, other than like things that stopped happening, was like, please make me strong. Like my my first obsession with superheroes as a kid because I just felt so weak and so defenseless and all these things, and I just wanted to be so strong, and I prayed for strength, and and honestly, going through these tough battles, I I've gotten strength. I just sometimes can't see it because you know that that tormented kid in the back will always be there.

But if I look at the things that I have gone through and have accomplished and I've I've gotten off of and all that kind of stuff, I am I am in the process of building that man that I've wanted to become. It doesn't mean that I've done things that I'm proud of. I've I've things that I'm ashamed of, but I also have things that I'm proud of because the hardest thing to do is to overcome some of these obstacles in my life. I have a father who's basically an alcoholic, my generations of alcoholism, and none of them really have ever quit.

They just learned to become uh working alcoholics. I have to I can't do that. I I'm I I can't numb myself anymore. It doesn't work.

Like I used, like I said, alcohol and drugs are my solution to life, and that solution doesn't work anymore. So if I'm gonna continue this life, I have to find a new way and a new outlook. I always remind myself that I've wanted to be a strong human being, and strong human beings get over uh huge hurdles in life, and I think that's just the best outlook I have is like I've I've sort of I've sort of asked for this in a s in a sick way. SPEAKER_00 30:47 Or a purposeful way.

I mean, it's really impressive to me that you you were in a moment of of suicidal thoughts and deep down that's what you wanted. It wasn't random. No and then you go back and you're in meetings two or three times a day for six months. You said that's I imagine in there or you tell me, was there moments in that in the beginning where the obsession to use an escape was still there?

Is it still there now? SPEAKER_01 31:20 Uh yeah, no, I it stayed. It it it stayed probably four, like that's why I basically like I've I've gone down to six meetings a week. I still try and hit one every day.

It's just I've also gotten work deacons, so I can't go seven days a week. I had to do two to three meetings a day. I had to during those six months because I've I still was I'm convinced that this may work again. And and and even to this day, I I that's I want I always tell people I want to be part of the no matter what club that like uh these guys love to talk about, but I don't know because I've proven to myself that I something took me out.

So I'm like, I'm just hyper aware that I have that in me, and like I have that I will always have that escapism. That's like I'm I run, I run or I fight. And uh this time I'm choosing to fight for my life, and that because I've been running forever. I didn't get I didn't really get any relief until six months.

It it was a hard one, but I I white knuckled at first and I did all the things, but sitting down and and and finding a sponsor or a person to help me through this has definitely helped. It's funny, like the guy that I chose to be my sponsor, I saw him come in ten years ago when I went to like my first AA meeting, and he had three weeks, and I remember he's like an older gentleman. My mom took me to the meeting, and I thought he was just trying to hit on my mom at this fucking meeting. And yeah, and he was like crying and all this stuff, and I thought this guy was weird, and I came back nine months ago, and I saw him there, and he's getting 10-year sobriety, and he's firefighter of the year, and he has this charisma about him where he can be serious in a meeting, but you can also tell he's enjoying life.

And when I got the phone call and I called this man to be my sponsor, like I had goosebumps, and I and I truly believe goosebumps are some sort of connection to the universe in somewhere. Every time I've gotten goosebumps, I sort of try and follow it. Yeah, this man has really helped me. I I yeah, I really didn't get uh relief until going over a fourth and a fifth step, not saying got some god aha moment with him, but to actually like sit down with a man and get real and and and cry and and and feel connected and feel like all right, I'm not alone, and this guy may have some wisdom to help me get to the point where I want to be.

SPEAKER_00 34:01 I love that. I love the honesty too of of the struggle and doing the meetings anyway. And the goosebumps of things, it's it is like a physical reaction to the to the energy around you. It does feel other than because it is like your body's physically doing something that you have no control over reacting to a person, scenario, situation, something that was said, something touches your soul and your body physically reacts.

I'm gonna ponder on that one some more. I like that you've said you follow it. SPEAKER_01 34:39 Yeah, I just every time I've actually followed my goosebumps, it's actually sort of like I I don't know, a god it feels like God sort of whispering in your skin. SPEAKER_00 34:50 Are you artistic?

SPEAKER_01 34:52 Yeah, I'm uh I used to be an animator, like I drove my all my life and all that kind of stuff. Now I'm a barber. So I have artistic skills about me. I'm trying to dive more into that side again because a lot of the years that I was using and drinking, uh, I gave that part up of me.

So I'm trying to get back to uh that creative part of myself. SPEAKER_00 35:19 I'm gonna pivot to commitments. You I wouldn't say you poo-pooed them, but you're like, I got commitments. What commitments do you have now?

Which are your favorites, which add value? Why should somebody have a commitment? SPEAKER_01 35:34 So I should reiterate on not like poo-pooing them. Okay.

I don't I no, you're you're I did. I did poo-poo them, but the only reason like I poo-pooed them is because uh I'm I I'm a drug addict and an alcoholic, right? And I've let down people a lot in my life. So I sit there and I go, commitments, like if that old part of Blake comes up, I I'll brush off a commitment and not care at all.

I I try to stay committed to commitments, and I've done my best doing that so far during this time. If you have that tendency in you, I I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm like, I I know damn well if I get the fuckets, I won't care what commitment I have or anything. I'm just that's the selfish and self-centeredness that's deep down rooting me. But I do have at like three meetings, I'm the literature guy.

At first I wanted a very easy commitment. Now all you have to do is basically bring the books and say two minutes of something at the end, and that was me sort of showing, like, hey, I got a commitment, but again, it was sort of a cop out, and now I'm a leader of a couple meetings. Most of the time, it definitely gets you connected, people see you, and that's the whole sort of thing. Because, like, I believe the most important thing in this program is to find your own God.

I truly believe that. Some people hate that this is a God program, and I totally agree. I I hate religion. I've watched some of the nastiest people in religions use God as like a tool to do their fucked up bidding.

But this is a place where it's like we want you to find God, but it's your God, and that's like the greatest thing. Like I said, I have to have my own God. I can't have the Catholic God, I can't have the Buddhist God, I can't I have to have Blake's God, the one that's seen Blake walk the streets and been there in all these moments and and reflect, and he's sort of like my mirror. But other than that, you do need to make a connection with people because walking through this world by yourself is tough, and it doesn't mean that you're not gonna walk through this world, no one's with you 24-7 but you and your God.

But in those moments where you can be in a room full of people trying to better themselves, it's good to actually get to know these people and connect and start caring about someone other than yourself. So I believe commitments are good because other than like sharing and putting your hand out, it shows people that you really want to be a part of this thing. SPEAKER_00 38:15 That's a very good answer. I give you an A.

unknown 38:18 Thank you. SPEAKER_00 38:20 But you it was it was thorough in that um the the connection piece for me, my commitments get me to the meeting when I don't want to go. But your whole thing about the fuckings I totally remember in the beginning thinking who the fuck cares about the commitment, somebody else will do it, it's not that big of a deal. So uh I get that too.

But once we won it, the commitments are beneficial for the reasons you described, but also because like I'm secretary for a meeting now and I did not want to go, but I could not even question or negotiate going or not because I had to open the room and I didn't even question where sometimes do I have to go? I'm really tired, I can skip this week, or you know, that kind of back and forth we do. So sometimes the commitment just gets your feet there unless you have the buckets, in which case that will not help. SPEAKER_01 39:18 Won't help, yeah.

But maybe I should get one more outside of the keys, that'll be a good one. SPEAKER_00 39:23 Oh no. I don't know, the buckets are pretty strong. You're like, whatever that you mean outside.

Yeah. Okay, I I have I think three more questions. And you talked about a lot of family siblings, mom, son. I don't know if you want to talk about any of those relationships, any healing that's been done, um, or we can just bypass that question altogether.

SPEAKER_01 39:47 I can elaborate on my siblings and my mother. Unfortunately, me and my son don't have that good of a connection because of uh just the running away that I did after me and his mom basically split up. So that's something I'm working on toward that's a goal in the sobriety, is because when Blake puts a drug or uh alcohol in my system, I I that's when my fuckets get amplified, and I've basically ran away from that responsibility, and uh other than paying money for about the last five, six years. So that's something that I definitely regret, but I'm working on.

So my brothers and sisters, my little brother is like probably one of my biggest people I hold pride in. I'm so proud of that young man and all that kind of stuff. And I I've helped him a long time in my life and used to give him really good advice, but then he'd seen me go and destroy my entire life, and it really hurt me that 10 months ago and everything, he basically was writing me off again, like my brother loves me and all this kind of stuff, but he's like, Yeah, he definitely he he he he doesn't practice what he preaches, and uh I wanted to become a man that's not just a preacher and actually practicing the things that I gave him a suggestion on because I didn't really have a guiding force in my life, an older gentleman to help me, and I my little brother didn't have that either, other than when I would try to do that, and all the like things that I spoke from my heart. I I gave to him, he's ran with, he's 24, he makes a buttload of money for a 24-year-old, he's healthy as can be, he's an honest man, and all these things, and I'm just I I take very much pride that he didn't brush off the advice I gave him, he ran with it, but it did hurt me when he was like, Alright, well, he doesn't even listen to what he's telling people.

So to see him proud of me again, and he sends me texts and he's like, You're doing good, and I and I need that kind of stuff. My sisters, we have a funny relationship, I'm there for them, but I'm also not the most sensitive guy in the world, so it's hard for me, it's hard for me to uh be there when they're going through stuff, and I'm like, because I learn from tough love. I just do. I I can't when somebody enables me or somebody like sort of co-signs my bullshit, like I run with it.

So I I needed people to be tough loved with me because otherwise I would never have been authentic. And with my sisters, I try to sometimes be tough love, and I'm learning that that doesn't work, so I have to have a different approach, and I'm doing that, but uh they've definitely gotten more trust in me. And then my yeah, my mother doesn't have to for years. One of the things my mom said to me back in the day when she told me about the insurance the first time and and everything, she was like, either tell me you're gonna do this or just or just tell me no, and I'm just gonna get your like funeral ready.

And uh even my father used to he sent me a phone call one time a long time ago where he was like he was in he was in a drunk state of mind, but he was upset at the moment, and he called me up and he had a shotgun loaded and he said, Where are you at? I'm gonna come shoot you in your face because I don't want you to die a junkie or or an alcoholic. And neither of my parents have to worry about that today. And everyone gets to sleep easy knowing that I'm not out there either slowly killing myself or doing things that harm harm myself or anybody else.

SPEAKER_00 43:42 Oh, that's heavy. I mean that's heavy and good at the same time. Okay. Is there anything that you are thinking of now, or anything that you left out of your story that you would like to share?

SPEAKER_01 43:59 I just Want to emphasize on the things that took me out, which took me out was uh was trying to be a man before I was a man, overloading my table with a woman when I was just still a little boy in recovery, trying to save somebody that didn't want to be saved. And it there's an old saying that lifeguards say if somebody's drowning and they're not willing to stop and calm down, let them drown, because we don't want two people to drown at the same time, and uh I basically ignored that in a life experience, and somebody was drowning, not not to badmouth the person or anything, because I'm just doing my side of the street, but instead of just like letting them calm down or figure things out so that they have the the ability to reach their hand out to be helped, uh I drowned with them. I overloaded my plate too much. I definitely am more patience with the things I stack up because that's also an alcoholic tendency that I have.

It's like I want to conquer the mountain in one day, and that just is not possible. It's just, you know, it's just a day-by-day thing, and and you'll be presented things, and hopefully, when times are are ready. That's what I use during this time in my sobriety. Like, I want to get my son back, I wanted to make all the amends right away and everything, and I'm now I'm more on God's time.

I pray that when those things are given to me and the opportunity presents itself, that I will be ready to handle it instead of rushing it, destroying it again, and then being back to Blake running away from life. Also, the number one thing that took me out was being a false prophet in AA. I was struggling, that's why I'm rigorously honest this time in Alcoholics Anonymous. Before I did put on the face to look good and sound good, and I had the AA pitch down, I knew what people wanted to hear and all that kind of stuff, but that was an inauthentic human, and I was helping somebody else at the time and giving him life advice.

He was struggling with child custody and all this kind of stuff, and I was giving him advice like I knew what the fuck I was talking about. And because I was not giving him the actual help, he had no answers, he ended up committing suicide. I know to this day that's his choice, and I didn't kill him, he did he did that to himself, but I didn't help him either. I I had a face on, I was like, everything's gonna be good.

I gave life advice where I didn't have life experience to do that, and I really can't do that this time. If people ask me for help and I don't know that experience in life, I I just love on them, but I I also try and find somebody that does have that experience in life because I can't be the person that just tells you what to do because I think I know what's best, because obviously, in some situations, I don't know at all. So I try to direct people. That's why I also love meeting more people, because even though we everyone here is the commons, denominators, alcohol, we all have walked a different path and we've all had different struggles.

And what a person that comes in my life, I can't help him with my path. Hopefully, I could met a person that can't. Because that that guilt um definitely kept me out for a very long time. SPEAKER_00 47:46 I imagine.

I love the wisdom there with the I I like the the simple wisdom there with the more people we're connected to and the more experiences we know one another have, the better we can support. And it's like we have our own inner support for life, not just not just the problem of alcoholism. SPEAKER_01 48:16 Yeah, life life's gonna happen. Life isn't just all alcoholism.

SPEAKER_00 48:21 No, no, it's not all rainbows and butterflies. But I find when I struggle, my my lesson that I'm going through currently is that um the basics of what we used when we got sober, all of the basics of you know, two or three meetings a day or whatever it may be, whatever we did, 90 and 90 for me, um, calling someone every day, those basics are so useful when life happens. They helped us get sober, but they also help us get through when life happens. Um that foundation that it sounds like you have is so helpful for me anyway.

I have a final question for you. SPEAKER_01 49:03 Awesome. SPEAKER_00 49:04 For the listener that is suffering, what would you like to leave them with? SPEAKER_01 49:12 Well, first of all, sorry for your suffering.

But also, like I said uh earlier, is uh try and change that perspective. That's the biggest gift I have right now is uh why am I look at why you're suffering, try and uh try and get a different viewpoint of where you're at. The biggest thing I hope is that you find a God of your understanding and that you have the patience to walk through and and see if this this time shall pass. You have the ability to, just like everyone else does, but I hope you choose to continue and see what your worth is here on this earth.

And if you're suffering and you think this is all bullshit, I understand I've been that person myself, but everything passes, man. And hopefully one day you'll understand. You can't you can't connect the dots while you're going through what you're going through. But later on in life, if you do make it through, you'll understand a little bit more of why you went through that.

So I just say, pray for patience, pray for a little relief here and there. But uh sometimes just like I said, the one of the greatest things is I want to be a strong human being and I want to help other people. Well, you're gonna have a tough life because God's gotta make a tough son of a bitch out of you. I just hope you become that person, and I hope you are able to bless anybody that needs it one day and just keep riding the ride because this too shall pass.

SPEAKER_00 50:50 For more information, read the first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or visit keepcomingback.net.